My relationship with my hair has always been complicated. Growing up in Puerto Rico in the mid 2000s to early 2010s meant that the stigma against curly and coily hair was at an all time high, especially if you were visibly black. So it was basically inevitable that my hair would be relaxed at 3 years old, as a birthday gift. My insecurities around my hair were basically set in stone that day.
School didn’t help. Constant teasing and remarks, even from a teacher who once called my hair “pelo malo” (which translates to “bad hair”)made my self image plummet. I constantly compared myself to my lighter-skinned and looser haired classmates, wishing that one day I’d wake up looking like them. As the years went on, however, the narrative around coily hair began to change. I found myself wanting to go back to my natural hair and ditch the relaxers. After many arguments and tears, I was finally able to start growing my natural hair out; and by senior year of high school, my hair was fully natural.
For a while, life was great. My hair kept growing and I found myself loving how I looked more and more. Then, in October 2023, I did a Botox hair treatment that involved two rounds of blow drying under the impression that it would aid in hydration and definition while leaving my original curl pattern intact. However, I washed my hair a week or two after the treatment, (right before a trip to Miami where I had a gig), and the curls didn’t revert. When I looked in the mirror all I saw were lifeless, damaged strands of hair. My hair was unrecognizable.
If three years ago you’d told me that I’d cut my hair up to my ears, I would’ve laughed in your face. Two years ago, I would’ve cried and lost my mind. Today, I know that it was exactly what I needed. After letting it grow for about a year, I did a big chop. I’d never had my hair so short. At the salon appointment, I quickly found out that my usual hair habits weren’t as good as I’d originally thought. Here began my journey of learning to care for my hair again, and working through my unresolved issues with hair.
As the year and a half has flown by, I’ve gotten more comfortable with my hair and have fully embraced it, even when it doesn’t want to cooperate with me (mostly my fault). My love for my hair and myself has only grown, especially as I continue to nurture and watch it grow. There has definitely been a learning curve, but it’s all part of the process. Sitting down to experiment has been almost therapeutic and is now part of my weekly ritual.
What I’ve Learned:
- . Your hair needs WATER
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It might seem obvious, but sometimes the difference between hydration and moisture isn’t well known. Your hair needs hydration before it can hold moisture. This means using a good shampoo that opens up the hair cuticle to let water in. If you have low porosity hair like I do, you know that you could stand under the shower for ages and as soon as you turn the water off, you’ll question whether or not your hair ever got wet. Shampoo can help with this and set the base for an easier styling experience, especially if you lean towards gel products (like me), where having wet hair is essential to getting good definition without a lot of products.
- . You don’t need fancy or expensive products
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Sometimes, hair products that you can find at your local drugstore work just as well, if not better, than products catered towards curly hair. Not to say that these products aren’t helpful or useful, but paying upwards of $15-$20 per product just isn’t sustainable, especially as a college student. My favorite leave-in conditioner is a $3 one from Walmart. The only thing I’m willing to splurge on is a styling product, especially if it has a good formula.
You also don’t need a cocktail of products; one leave-in and two stylers (if you truly need it) are more than enough, at least in my experience. Slathering on a bunch of products will cause your hair to flake, clog, and dry out in the long run.
- . Your hair will do what it wants to do
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This was probably the toughest lesson (and one that I’m still learning). I spent years braiding my hair back, trying to make my curls look looser than they were. Even though my hair was natural, I still spent time trying to hide what it truly looked like from the world. I didn’t know why, but every time I saw my curls as they were, without the pattern that was braided in them, I didn’t like what I saw. Even then, after I cut it last year, my wash days would last hours; I’d spend the night finger-coiling every single strand trying to define my hair as much as possible so that it wouldn’t look frizzy, or so my hair would look ‘better’.
Recently, I’ve been taking a new approach — one I’ve been enjoying far more. While I still style for definition because it lasts longer, I no longer spend 4 hours doing my hair. I will rake the product in and shingle a few strands, but that’s about it. I leave my hair to do as it pleases. The only part of my wash day that still takes a long time is drying, and I’ve accepted that there’s no fighting that one.
- . You are NOT your hair
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This, to me, is the most important lesson I’ve learned.
My entire life, I tied a huge chunk of my self-worth to my hair. To the version of my hair that was straight, or loosely curled, that fit in line with the Euro-centric beauty standard. I would wish that my hair didn’t grow back curly after relaxing it, that it would be as silky as my classmates.
Today, even though my hair is a part of me, it doesn’t define me. My hair simply is. I love it and how it looks on me, but it’s not my whole identity. I’m more than my hair or my looks, and learning this has been one of my favorite parts of my journey. Seeing my curls grow and come back to life while also finding joy in other areas of life has been healing. My hair is mine, but it is not me.