Disclaimer: I will be talking about body image.
Before I even begin with this, grab a snack, your favorite beverage, and get into a comfortable position wherever you’re sitting because this article will take you on a long (but not really) journey into how my body has changed over the years, and how my confidence has transformed.
Elementary School
It all started when I was in elementary school. At the time, I didn’t really notice it, but looking back at photos from then, I realized I stuck out like a sore thumb. I wasn’t freakishly tall, but I was still tall. I wasn’t freakishly overweight, but I was chubbier than most girls in my grade. At that point in my life, I wouldn’t really say I felt excluded from my classmates. I mean, I wasn’t the most popular girl, but I had some friends here and there. Even so, as I got chubbier with each passing month, that’s when certain events of my life changed the way I felt about my body.
Apart from the occasional snickering I would get from older students, I was also judged as I walked past them because
- I was chubby
- my uniform skirt practically reached my ankles
- I was awkward
The sly comments from family members referring to how I was bigger than my cousins or how I had to watch what I ate didn’t help. What really struck me was when my physical education teacher went up to my mom and told her that she was concerned about my health because I was “extremely overweight” at such a young age… Mind you, I was chubby, but not in a concerning way, and I was compared to girls in my class who were, for the most part, petite. The point is, as soon as a teacher has “the talk” with your parents, that’s when you know it’s bad, and any other kid who grew up chubby would understand.
As time went on, things just got worse. Apart from the fact that I was growing taller really fast, I had suddenly developed the need for glasses AND braces at the same time. Great. Oh and to add on to that, I did not know what tweezing was, so my eyebrows would always morph into a unibrow. As you can probably predict, things got worse for me after that.
Now, it wasn’t only comments from teachers that worried me, but the whole class seemed to be in on it too. I started to get made fun of by my peers, girls wouldn’t be friends with me because they were grossed out by me (yes, you read that right) and I would get asked out by guys who were older than me (as a joke) on a weekly basis, which by the way, still affects me to this day whenever a guy seems interested in me. I still don’t know when’s the right time to stop pinching myself and accept that “Yes Ana, he likes you. Is that so hard to believe?” And don’t even get me started on those school activities where the whole class had to dress the same and they would order shirts in bulk without even asking the students for their size, because that sort of event was one for the books.
Middle School
Knock Knock! Who’s there? Hormones! And all the things that come with them… So, you would think that by that last comment, I meant that I got even chubbier. Well, in reality, no. In fact, by the time I was in middle school, I lost most of my baby fat. Now, you might be thinking, “How is that a problem, Ana?” Well, it’s complicated. See, if you don’t know me in real life: Hey, my name is Ana, and welcome to a course on “Ana’s Anatomy.” First off, hormones did arrive, but the upper half of my body did not seem to get the memo. Meaning they did not grow. BUT, the lower half of my body? A whole different story. Might as well have called me a walking pear.
And yeah, I was technically “skinnier,” but I was growing into my body and dealing with all the attention that came with that. From being a chubby girl that no one even bothered to notice, all of a sudden I was getting all this attention that I couldn’t even understand yet. Family friends would congratulate me for “losing weight,” family members would always compliment me, and not gonna lie, I kinda liked it. But, what I did not like was the male attention.
Remember how I said hormones arrived? Well, boy did they arrive! Suddenly, boys in my grade thought they had a right to comment on other girls’ bodies and as any other girl has probably experienced, they made me feel uncomfortable on MANY occasions. I distinctly remember being “praised” for my hips in one instance, and completely ridiculed for my cup size in another. So, I was constantly in this seesaw of being bombarded with compliments and feeling good about myself and being made fun of and feeling horrible about myself.
High School
Once middle school was over, I decided to transfer to another school. It was a girls-only school and it was quite challenging. Not only academically but also mentally, and emotionally. Now, don’t get me wrong, I loved the teachers and enjoyed the academics, and some girls were actually really nice. But, from the first day I stepped into that school, I felt like I didn’t fit in. All around me I saw skinny girls, with freshly manicured nails and silky soft hair. None of them wore glasses and almost 90% of them had clear skin. Then there was me, a slightly bigger, nerdy-looking, glass-wearing, acne-prone, frizzy-haired girl who on top of that was 2 notches below almost all the other girls in terms of economic status. I only had two friends all throughout my high school experience and, by the time I was in 10th grade, I thought I had to change everything about my outward appearance in order to make friends. So, I lost weight, a lot of it, and with it, I mostly lost myself. I would look at myself in the mirror and I wouldn’t recognize myself. I made family members cry, my friends would be worried, but girls in my class looked up to me, so I must have been doing something right? Right?
The answer to that is obviously no. I had never been more miserable in my entire life, and the attention of 43 (give or take) girls was not worth ruining my health over (you shouldn’t ruin your health over anything. Period). So, ever since 12th grade, I decided to accept my body unapologetically.
Was it hard? Terribly, but it is so worth it. I have come to accept the things I have more of and the things I lack. I obviously have my days here and there, but for the most part, I accept that this is my body, and not all of us have the same body type. Some of us are bigger in some areas, and others are smaller in some areas. Some are taller, some are shorter. We’re all different and as corny as it sounds, that’s actually so beautiful and it makes life all the more interesting.
Now, I won’t say that I know what it’s like to suffer constantly in a society that shames me for my body, but growing into the body I have now has definitely had its difficulties, because the wounds I suffered as a child are the scars I now bear as an adult. They’re still there, only now they’re not as apparent. They’ve slowly healed and become a part of who I am.
With time, I realized we are not meant to have the same body forever, and I know that sounds like something obvious but, somehow, it’s a fact we often find so hard to accept. Our bodies are meant to change, and they will grow and they will blossom into something more intricate, more beautiful, with every passing year.
So, if you’re currently dealing with body image issues, I get it. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you’re not magically all happy go lucky after reading one self-help book on how to love yourself. Unlearning our insecurities takes time. Be patient with yourself.