So many ladies out there have been warned about expressing their sensuality. Doing so comes with shaming remarks, such as being: “easy”, “slutty” or “not pure”. Knowing these outcomes, women may feel insecure and guilty in their first sexual encounters. I was one of them.
The Ugly Truth
While I was growing up I’ve been told countless times that I have to “make guys respect me”. What this meant was that I couldn’t allow myself to be touched by a man in any way because that meant that I’d be permitting certain behaviors. But I also can’t touch one either. Both scenarios imply disrespect upon me. As a child, I always wondered from a young age when exactly is it okay for women to express these “forbidden acts”, especially in a sexual context.
Many adults would have said that I need to wait until I was married to engage sexually with a husband. That such behaviors would only be acceptable once I was married. Then I wondered if all married couples did wait until the walk on the aisle to kiss, to touch each other and of course, to have sex. It seemed like too much time to wait and too hard to resist. It didn’t make much sense either. I had all these thoughts of wanting to experiment but there was also a voice continuously reminding me that I had to be against sex. Eventually, I figured that perhaps those warnings were there to protect me and to make me take sex more seriously. After all, it is in some ways a responsibility. You could end up with an unwanted pregnancy, STd or STI. But, then again, I had two brothers and they were never given these speeches. They were given condoms and a blessing. Then it hit me that my parents were only protecting my brothers from unwanted pregnancies and diseases and that I was being told to avoid sex completely.
Why is it normal for a man to explore sexually, but it’s a taboo for women? Why does he get praised, while she gets shamed? My intention, of course, is not to antagonize men, but to invite women to question these expectations forced upon us by society. If you think about it closely, it makes no sense to tell a biologically sexual creature that came to this world through a sexual act that sex is wrong. Teaching girls this type of censured mentality generates women who will end up feeling insecure and guilty when it comes to engaging in a natural act.
How The Guilt Consumed Me
During my first intimate make-out sessions I felt weird and self-conscious about a man touching my body and kissing my lips. Rationally, I thought that I had to remove his hand from my thighs, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to do so because I felt pleased. After the interaction, I ended up feeling self-loathing and I hated the fact that I’d “let myself go so easily”. I worried about what had gone through his mind before and after. Maybe he was thinking all those awful things people say to women who enjoy being sexual.
These thoughts haunted me because I was so reprimanded at a young age. I was traumatized because I had been consistently told once you give yourself up to men, they will leave you because men only want sex. Once they have it, they move onto their next victim. This statement is also problematic because it paints men as depredating creatures that want to steal “the only thing that gives women valor: their virginity”. So, the more I let the guy touch me, the more I felt I was going to lose him. But then I thought, why doesn’t this happen in marriage? Once a man has sex in marriage, is he like magically bound to stay forever? He won’t search for another woman’s sex because he is assured by paper and ink to stay fateful, but without that, he most definitely will leave you for another? In any case, the feeling of guilt did not want to end. I think this was the reason why I never had any type of sex in my first relationship. Cause if I did so, I would feel like I had sinned.
Luckily, in my second relationship, everything changed. I started hanging out with more open-minded people, who talked casually about sex. They didn’t have to play a game of Taboo to talk about the act. They just attacked the subject naturally. I was so startled by the way they carried off on the topic and it felt like a breath of fresh air. At first, I felt that it was wrong, but I liked hearing about it.
Then, I realized that first I have to feel comfortable talking about sex, before engaging on anything related to it. This helped me a lot. I especially talked it out with my SO and he was so cool about it. I often asked him if it was weird for me, as a woman, to be talking about sexual topics and if he thought less of me; to which he answered: “Why should I?” He thought that it was completely normal for me to be talking about sex openly and casually, it’s an enjoyable activity that most everyone goes through at some point in their lives. These conversations build themselves to acts and eventually freed me of my insecurities and guilt. Everything that I was told was crumbling as time passed. Talking with more open-minded people liberated me from all those close-minded people I had in my life, to which I eventually ended up ignoring or giving them my new thoughts upon the subject.
Don’t Feel Bad
Women should feel free and confident in their sexual encounters. There should be no slut-shaming anyone that decides to go for sex. After all, it is a biological phenomenon and it’s a hell of a good time. It might be hard to cut from all the warnings that have been imposed to us since we were girls, but it all starts by questioning these unjustly transgressed expectations. Women shouldn’t be excluded from sex. If you want to go for it, do it and if you prefer to wait, that’s also great. Nothing should be limiting you to decide upon it. Enough with the shaming. Women deserve to feel free-minded, confident and secure; always.
I hope this article helps you to feel better about your sexual encounters. Don’t be ashamed! Just stay safe.