Being a queer individual in a society where anything other than the norm is condemned, is already hard as it is.
There’s homophobia, and places around the world where such a behavior is considered immoral, sickening, and punishable by law.
Thankfully, we live in a day and age where there is a certain awareness of how old-fashioned this line of thinking is. We live in a day and age where acceptance is becoming commonplace.
Even then, there are certain scopes of sexuality that are still ridiculously overlooked.
With this article, I will try to raise awareness of such ignored sexual identities.
Asexuality
Definition:
An asexual person is someone who simply does not experience sexual attraction towards anyone. There is no asexual “type”, which essentially means that there is no recurring trend in belief, gender, ethnicity, etc.
There are two subdivisions, or sexual identities, that also fall under the gray area of asexuality:
- Graysexuality (gray-asexual): This orientation is what someone who is not sure whether they experience sexuality or not could identify as. Gray-asexuals can experience sexual attraction infrequently or not very strongly.
- Demisexuality: Demisexuals are people who can experience sexual attraction but only after developing a strong emotional bond with someone.
Misconceptions:
[NOTE: In this section, the misconceptions are presented from my own personal experience as an individual that identifies as “ace”.]
- “But you have a boyfriend!”
By far, this is the most common one. Just because someone is asexual, doesn’t mean that they don’t want a relationship. Not all asexuals want a relationship, but just like everyone else, asexuals seek out emotional connections. Often, this is what an asexual person wants: a deep meaningful bond with someone. Or maybe not. It’s completely up to the person whether they want a relationship or not.
- “So, you’ve taken a chastity vow.”
No. Asexuality is not a choice. It’s an orientation–or lack, thereof! Just like heterosexual or homosexual individuals, asexuals are just this way. They aren’t sexually attracted to other people. A chastity vow is a choice; you decide you won’t have sex, even though you experience sexual attraction.
- “It’s just a hormone problem.”
Asexuals weren’t born with a biological malfunction. Most asexuals’ hormones are in the normal ranges.
- “The word asexual doesn’t mean that…”
The English language has many words with multiple definitions, and this word is not the exception. Asexual doesn’t just mean “having no sex or sexual organs.” It also means the aforementioned definition!
- “How do you know if you’ve never tried it?”/ “Haha, yeah, until you’ve actually had sex.”
There are so many things wrong with these statements that I’m not even sure where to begin. No one in the history one the Earth has ever told someone whose heterosexual, “Oh. You can’t know if you haven’t tried it.”
- “You just haven’t met the right person yet.”
Currently, I am in a healthy and loving relationship with someone that I very much love. He feels like the right person, but needless to say, I don’t experience sexual attraction. This is actually an offensive statement because asexual individuals (and from the words of an asexual lady herself) have encountered thousands of people in their daily lives and have not experienced sexual attraction towards any of them. Not once in my life have I ever looked at someone and said, “I would definitely bang him/her/they.”
- “You’re just scared/disgusted of/by sex.”
Some heterosexual/homosexual/pansexual/asexual individuals are scared of sex. They are disgusted by sex. That doesn’t mean that all of them are scared or disgusted by sex! It varies from person to person, and such a belief or reaction towards sex makes them asexual. Not all individuals who are scared of sex are asexuals by default, and not all people who are okay with the idea of sex are heterosexual/homosexual/pansexual by default.
In the words of an Asexualityarchive.com contributor, “Most people, when they proceed into puberty (and in some cases, even before then), will naturally start to feel attracted to other people without having to engage in any kind of sexual activity at all. They’ll know that they’re straight or gay or bi or what have you and they typically don’t have to hold try-outs to know which team they play for. Asexual people are the same way. They’ll know that they don’t feel that spark of sexual attraction, that they’re somehow not quite straight or not quite gay, that they’re different from everyone else, and they don’t need to have sex to confirm it.”
- “Coming out can’t be applied to this situation. You shouldn’t feel nervous.”
For some asexual individuals, putting it out there can be pretty scary. For some other asexuals, it isn’t as scary. It really just depends on the person, but they have all the right in the world to feel scared or nervous about telling someone.
In my personal experience, some people haven’t taken me seriously. They’ve refuted my identity as an asexual person, and it really hurts a lot. For a long period of my life, I’ve felt like here was something wrong with me, biologically or emotionally. At a certain point, I even thought that maybe I suffered from some trauma I wasn’t even aware of and that’s what made me not interested in sex at all. So, you do get nervous about telling other people because you feel liked they’ll judge you, and make you feel like there something wrong with who you are.
Other misconceptions found in online asexual communities:
- All asexuals hate sex and everyone who has sex.
This is as simple as: No. We don’t. This is like Person A being bothered because Person B ordered a turkey burger, instead of a hamburger (like Person A), because for some reason Person A wanted that Person B to order a hamburger, even though Person B probably don’t even like red meat.
- Asexual people can’t fall in love.
There is such a thing as romantic attraction, and guess what? Asexual individuals can feel it too. Their emotions can range from a crush to a slight like to, yes, love. The key is that this romantic attraction is devoid of a sexual component.
- Asexual people don’t/can’t have sex.
Yes. We can have sex. There is nothing wrong with our sexual organs. Our bodies are perfectly capable of having sex, BUT we just don’t want to have sex, so thankyouverymuch.
How to know:
There is not aways a surefire way to know what your sexuality is. It’s just something you have to come to terms with by your own.
You must know, that it’s alright to be confused about your sexuality. It’s alright to identify as asexual. There’s nothing wrong with you.
If you’re wondering about whether or not you’re asexual after reading this article, whatisasexuality.com published these questions that might help wrangle are your essy thoughts:
- Are you generally disinterested in sex?
- Is your interest in sex more scientific than emotional?
- Do you feel left out or confused when others discuss sex?
- If you had sex, did you think it was dull or boring, and not the amazing experience other people made it out to be?
- Have you ever had to pretend to be interested in someone in order to fit in?
- Have you ever felt “broken” because you don’t experience sexual feelings like those around you?
- Have you ever felt that you were straight “by default” or that you were bi or pan because you were equally (dis)interested in all genders?
- Have you ever gone out with someone or had sex because you felt “that’s what you’re supposed to do?”
If you answeed yes to any of these questions, you might be asexual!
SOURCES:
http://www.asexualityarchive.com/under-the-ace-umbrella/
http://www.asexualityarchive.com/asexuality-misconceptions-and-mistakes/
http://queereka.com/2012/04/10/13-myths-and-misconceptions-about-asexual-people-part-one/
http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Asexuality
Image Credit: http://www.asexualityarchive.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/02/AceFlag.png