When it comes to any type of relationship that you care to maintain, it’s important to understand the other person who you’re choosing to relate to. It isn’t just about understanding political views or the complex theories they come up with about their favorite show; it also means understanding how to care about them. This is where love languages come in. What are they, though?
The term itself was developed by Gary Chapman after he noticed a recurring pattern during his counseling sessions with married couples. He came to the conclusion that love can be expressed through one (or more) of these five categories—all of which explain how we love and how we want to be loved:
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Words of Affirmation
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Acts of Service
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Giving Gifts
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Quality Time
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Physical Touch
With words of affirmation, you express encouragement or support to your partner. This can mean anything from verbalizing “I love you” more often to saying things like “I’m proud of you” or straight up “I support you.” Words of affirmation have the potential to fill an “emotional tank” in your partner, and so this reassurance can make them feel deeply, appreciated.
It’s also good to keep in mind that saying simple phrases like “I got your back” can eventually sound like a broken record, so it’s good to be specific in your compliments. For example, if they did the laundry and the dishes, don’t just say “Thank you for doing things around the house.” When you praise specific chores, you give them credit for it and it lets them know that you appreciate and notice the work they do.
Acts of service are gestures that please your partner; in the simplest terms, it’s doing things without expecting anything in return. These gestures aren’t made to obtain praise or any other personal benefit—they’re simply a way to surprise or show loved ones how much they’re appreciated. Acts of service can lift loads from your partner’s daily routine and make their day. Of course, for these gestures to be effective, you have to know your partner well. For example, if you know that your partner tends to be messy but that mess also doesn’t allow them to concentrate, you can surprise them by tidying up the area for them.
When it comes to giving gifts, it’s almost second nature to us. Since childhood, it’s more than likely that, at some point, you found a curious looking rock or a bizarre wildflower and gifted it to a cousin or sibling or even your parents. As we grow older, gift-giving becomes a more complicated process, where thought has to be put into the process of selecting, purchasing or making said gift. Gifts are, in a way, the embodiment of our affection. A person whose love language is gift-giving pays attention to details and the thought put behind a gift, which is what truly adds value to it.
Quality time is not just about hanging out with your partner, especially if all that time is spent on your phone. Quality time is an investment, and it’s all about being present mentally, engaging in conversation with your partner, listening and following the topic you’re chatting about. A good example of this would be talking about something your partner is passionate about, be it a hobby or their plans for the future.
With physical touch, we establish a clear difference between sexual intimacy and the touch this love language refers to. Physical touch is about the gentle touches one receives, like a hand on their knee or a stroke of their cheek. While physical touch is mostly used to communicate affection, in times of stress it can also mean “I’m here” as a show of support.
The sole objective of love languages is letting the ones around us know that we do pay attention and care about them, so it’s important to recognize that sometimes how we love isn’t how others want to be loved. Assuming that others process feelings the way we do can lead to miscommunication and a sense of neglect, so we can end up hurting the ones we love without even knowing it.
While sometimes we can simply pick up our partner’s love language by observation alone, sometimes it’s necessary to talk it out—it’s not enough to just treat others how you want to be treated.
Love languages can vary and manifest differently with each person. To maintain a healthy relationship, one has to understand and learn to speak their partner’s love language and vice-versa. It’s important to remember, however, that these things don’t happen overnight; it takes time and that’s okay. What’s important is to actively listen and make an effort to better understand the one you love.