I am often told that modern love is ruined, that men nowadays lack initiative, and that casual relationships are easier than commitment. The mainstream belief is that years ago, love was more real and pure, and that modern advancements like social media and dating apps have negatively influenced the dating scene.
While I can agree with this to some extent, I also hold the belief that romanticizing the past is blurring our perception of love and keeping us out of check with reality.
Despite this common narrative, the structure of romance has consistently advantaged men and inconvenienced women. Love has never been perfect, and this is not a modern-day problem. In the past, women often settled for men whom they did not love for financial stability or social status. This was also at a time when domestic violence was socially normalized.
We need to make a change. Movies aren’t real, and “old love” is outdated. We cannot continue to place the blame for our misdirected criticism on others. Men are responsible for their behavior, and women need to stop excusing it.
As someone who does not date often, I have become an observer. I have observed other women making excuses for their man’s lack of romantic ambition, and I have observed my friends lowering their standards in order to keep a man in their lives. As an observer, I am disappointed.
I know so many women who have so much to offer, and it is disorienting to see them consistently diminish themselves to make space in their lives for a man who has little to nothing to offer. Men will always put themselves first, and when they do, who will prioritize you?
We often find it easier to place the blame on others because it is easier to accept something when you can understand it, because your mind makes you believe that it is under your control. But this is not the reality.
He should’ve treated you better and valued you in the way that you deserve, but he didn’t. It’s easier to blame men and generalize them because then you don’t have to hold the man who actually made the mistake accountable. By allowing him access to you after he showed that he doesn’t care, you are enabling his behavior.
Just because some guy in a movie turned his whole life around for the girl he likes does not mean that the guy who has been inconsistent with you will wake up one day and make you his girlfriend.
While it may be difficult to let go, it’s even more difficult to continue fighting for something he never showed up for. Stop accepting the bare minimum, stop making excuses, stop compromising, stop overcommunicating, and setting restrictions on a man who doesn’t care.
“We accept the love we think we deserve.” This is a popular quote from the book The Perks of Being a Wallflower. This quote resonated with me, and I think everyone should realize that wanting more is not asking for too much. We need to start accepting the love we deserve and not the love that we can tolerate.
Real change begins when we stop romanticizing the past and start holding ourselves, and the people we choose, to higher standards. Settling is not a solution and is never worth it. We need to choose to honor ourselves and keep those standards, so that we can make space in our lives for the kind of love that we actually want.