I’ve become such a self-loathing person, someone who I didn’t used to be. Yeah, there were certain things I would point out about myself that I didn’t like– who doesn’t? But not to this extreme.
I’ve become that person who flaunts it all on social media pretending everything is okay. Pretending that I love who I am and what I look like, that there isn’t a problem gnawing away at me. Shocker! That couldn’t be further from the truth.
I look at pictures of myself from a year ago, and I realize how much hair I’ve lost, how my curls have lost their pattern and how it continues every time I run my fingers through them.That’s only the beginning of it.
Within this past year, I fell into a hole that I never imagined I would let myself be lost in. The scariest thing is when you don’t even notice yourself changing into such an unrecognizable person. I used to be so full of life, laughter and hope. Yet, that person kept vanishing little by little, and before you know it, I didn’t recognize the person I saw in the mirror.
You start to lose interest in all the things that used to bring you joy, you lose motivation, determination and you don’t even know why. You don’t have the energy to get out bed, therefore you just sleep all day to avoid any questions or feeling anything.
You question why you aren’t good enough. You look at your peers and see nothing but hustle and successes, all that they have going for them. So you start picking at yourself, asking what it is you are doing wrong. You can’t help but compare yourself.
Then the overthinking kicks into full gear. You start filling your head with ideas—“you aren’t enough” scenarios that eat you alive. You cry yourself to sleep because you feel you aren’t worth it. You feel like you let your parents and your family down, and you can’t seem to do anything right.
Before you know it it’s 2 a.m. and you find yourself in your car alone, in the middle of an empty parking lot, crying uncontrollably because you aren’t trying to wake up your roommate, and you know no one can hear you.
You sleep in your car, slipping back into your room at 6 a.m. and continue on as if nothing ever happened.
That scenario, happening not once but several times. You think you’re playing it off well, you think you have this set persona up for your friends, but deep down you know they can see right through the facade.
They see the symptoms before you do.
Rupi Kaur said it best:
“I do not weep because I’m unhappy, I weep because I have everything, yet I am unhappy.”
“Yes, it is possible to love and hate someone at the same time, I do it to myself everyday.”
This was it. I had hit rock bottom. But what was different this time around was that I finally realized it was time to get help.
Depression Text Hotline
Text CONNECT to 741741
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1-800-273-8255