I am finally at an age where I’m content being single. Most of my teenage years I always dreaded being single. I saw being single as being on the bottom of the totem pole. I always felt that there had to be something wrong with me. I’m either not sexual enough for someone. I’m wrapped up with following the goals I’ve had since I was younger. I’m too stubborn to want to listen to a guy telling me to run away with him and get married even though we were never in a relationship to begin with. I’ve had guys leave me for girls who were completely different from me. And of course when you look at it from your own perspective, it makes it feel that there is something wrong with you. I always felt that I had to be in a relationship to feel valid. I always tried to convince myself that I was okay or happy with being alone, but I never truly felt that way. One major event in my life was the key reason why my way of thinking changed, so here we go.
Since the pandemic happened my life has changed in many ways. In April my father was diagnosed with COVID, and he had to be intubated because he could no longer breathe on his own. He lived with my grandmother, so by default she also ended up getting sick. A week goes by and my father is still in a medically induced coma, and my grandmother passed away. It was a very difficult time for me and my family. Weeks go by and finally my father is off the ventilator. We had to keep this huge secret from him because we didn’t want his health to regress. Eventually we told my father about the passing of my grandmother. It was like a weight lifted off our shoulders because only then were we finally be able to fully mourn for her. Mentally, I was not in a good place at all. I felt that my world had turned upside down and everything that I thought was important, like relationships and love, went out the window.
I had many friends who I felt weren’t there for me like I wish they would have been. I was angry and hurt. I questioned everyone’s loyalty and friendship to me, but deep inside I couldn’t put the blame on them. I had to understand that they have their own lives. I had come to terms that we all handle situations differently. I knew that subconsciously I was trying to place the blame on anyone because I didn’t understand that with grief there will be anger. My grandmother was the first death I had ever encountered in my 20 years of life. I had to learn to accept the new beginning in my life. I had to reprogram my brain and instead of carrying the hurt and pain with me, just let it go. I am a spiritual person, so prayer was my beacon of hope.
After having this sort of epiphany, I enjoyed what I had in my life and what I didn’t have in my life. I no longer wanted to look at not being in a relationship as a bad thing. I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is exactly where I need to be in life: single and happy. I have the opportunity and chance to live the life that has been given to me gracefully and without having to depend on anyone else for my joy.