People call me “Jade The Great.” Chronicled in my constant need to be on the path of success, I’ve made it my brand. I try to live up to the name by making sure I’m encompassing all things great in my life. I’ve been told that when people think of Jade The Great, they think of a young woman on a mission, “making moves,” and manifesting her dreams.
I’m a junior journalism major, and just this semester alone, I’ve networked with many people in this top Dallas market for my career field. I’ve told some amazing stories happening on and off campus. I STAY in somebody’s news room asking questions. I’ve been sought after for my talents by people wanting to work with me in the real world. I’ve been nominated for two types of awards, one of which I’ve won, and I’ve landed my first internship at a news station for this summer. I’ve done a lot, I do a lot.
So much so that I don’t have a lot of time for a social life. My usual interactions with peers are in organizations I’m apart of, and random run in’s with people who recognize me from Twitter. The app is a big part of my brand. People tell me they love my tweets because I’m motivational and funny. In fact, I have a lot of saved private messages from different people who randomly throughout the year hit my inbox. They send in their praise and confessions of admiration for all that I do. It makes me feel humbled. It seems like so many people are watching and rooting for me. They think highly of me, and wouldn’t think that someone as full as life as Jade would often times feel like ending hers.
Looking at me, you wouldn’t think for the slightest second that I used to be suicidal. You wouldn’t think I was hospitalized for a while at one point in my short life. You wouldn’t think that I still struggle with a lot heavy personal things that I tell no one about. You wouldn’t know that I feel empty when I’m walking across campus alone. You wouldn’t know that when I come home from a night’s fun with the people I do spend little time with, I break down and cry.
Unless you’ve felt certain feelings that one may get when they’re depressed, you wouldn’t know that it takes a physical toll on you. Sometimes I can’t breathe because it hurts. Everything hurts. And I don’t know why. The same way I rip and run to the nearest event I hear about to network, I’m in the nearest doctor’s office with illness because of the stress.
You wouldn’t understand, that I struggle with something I don’t even understand. It’s like a force that pulls and jerks inside of my body, and the pain aches so much so that I can’t even speak. I try to hide it well. I hide it in the temporary understanding of my worth when I read people’s sweetly anonymous messages. I hide it in the smile that everybody loves. I hide it in the hugs that warm people’s hearts. I hide it in the jokes I crack that leave everyone bent over in laughter. I hide it in the success that I post of my daily blessings. People tend to miss a lot of things with me.
If someone were to see me seconds before I put on a smile, they’d probably see me frowning. Usually I’d be on campus when I hear someone yell my name from across grounds. Before I even turn in their direction, instinctively I spread a grin that anyone would think is genuine. I’m known to hug people longer than I should. It’s a weird quirk about me that’s signature. Some people laugh awkwardly, some are confused, and some keep on hugging me back no matter how long I hold on. There’s a reason I hug people for longer than I should though. I’m trying to hold on. The people I do spend time with occasionally, call me clingy. I never want to leave them when its time to go home.
Even still, I could be standing in a room full of people, and I’d feel so alone. I don’t know how that’s possible but it is, and the cliche topic of depression and suicide that we hear about a lot nowadays is rooted in telling someone, getting help. How do you tell someone that you hurt? Again, how do you make them understand something that you don’t even understand? I’d rather talk to a friend than a stranger in an office, but times like this, I question who I could really call a friend, if I’m too ashamed to tell them what’s wrong.
So I just keep pushing. I just keep smiling when people call my name. I keep on hugging longer than I should, I keep on inspiring others to be their greatest selves under this idea of me being Jade The Great. I keep on making moves and attaining all the blessings that come my way. I keep on crying every night I come home, and I keep on struggling to get up in the morning to do it all over again; Just hoping someone will notice what a lot of people miss.
This article may be the start of something new. I never thought I’d sit down to write out my feelings, but with each word that you’re reading right now, just know that it feels like a new deep breath I’m taking. It’s helping me breathe.
If anyone else out there can hear the breaths that I’m taking in my writings, talk to me. I could totally relate. Stay great.