On February 8, 2015, my eyes were assaulted by an article published on the hallowed website “Total Frat Move.” This article, titled “50 Ways to be the Perfect College Girlfriend,” more closely resembled a Cheeto-stained list scratched on the back of a 13-year-old’s notebook than anything of journalistic merit, and featured a string of degrading demands that girls must meet in order to be upgraded from “barely-tolerable-friend-with-benefits” to “girlfriend-of-esteemed-frat-bro.” While I could write the next great American novel on all of the ways that this article ranges from simply not okay to a gross representation of the misogyny that runs rampant on college campuses, I have come up with a simple list of things that boys are and are not allowed to ask of a potential girlfriend.
1. “If we go to a party together, spend more time in the bathroom complimenting the makeup of other girls than you do hanging out with me.” YES. This is a perfectly reasonable request to which I, for one, would be more than happy to comply with. Thank you, kind and rational future boyfriend, for understanding that girls are simply more beautiful than any overcrowded duplex living room will ever be, and it is our civic duty to openly admire each and every masterfully applied winged eyeliner that comes our way.
2. “Be someone that we’d want to hang out with sober.” NOPE! This common demand has made its way into the “definite and absolute no” section not because it is implausible that boys should find us interesting without first drowning themselves in a tub of “Phi Kap Punch,” but because it implies that women are, by nature, insufferable. If a boy is having a hard time finding girls tolerable when they aren’t sweating fireball, it is them who should be doing the soul searching. If you should happen upon a boy that has a proclivity to this sort of issue, calmly advise him to clear his closet of those tank tops that show his nipples and ask himself why he is letting harmful stereotypes get in the way of engaging in meaningful and fulfilling relationships.
3. “Let’s go to the dog park with the intention of hugging other people’s pets and claim that it is for your mental health.” Yes. To be completely honest we have been doing this for months now but it really just feels nice to be asked.
4. “Don’t be an emotional drunk.” NO. Here’s the thing, dude-bros of the world: we are always emotional. Not because we are women, and not because we are “crazy,” but because we are sentient beings attempting to navigate the complex and stressful intricacies of the human world. I understand that society has conditioned boys to think that emotions are too “weak” and “feminine” for them to ever openly admit to experiencing, but push past that hyper-masculine wall for one second and they, too, will find that feelings are a cool and unique part of the human experience. EMBRACE THEM.
5. “Bake me something from scratch.” No no no no no. What are you, the male lead in a 1950s cigarette commercial? Honestly, the “women belong in the kitchen” narrative is so boring and overdone, if you’re going to make an attempt at insulting an entire gender at least try to be creative.
6. “Eat half of my french fries when I go to the bathroom so that I can pretend not to notice when I come back.” Wow, yes please! This is not only incredibly thoughtful, but it takes the guilt off us when we don’t feel like spending the extra $1.25 for our own order. Besides, what is a relationship if not a careful balance of give and take?
7. “Lie about how many people you’ve had sex with.” *Heavy and prolonged sigh* No. It is a horrible and wildly sexist double standard that girls should be ashamed of having sex while boys can wear their sexual prowess with honor. Ladies, do with your bodies whatever makes you feel comfortable and fellas, please get over it.
8. “Tell me, in great detail, all of your greatest thoughts and dreams because you are an intelligent and interesting human being and it is an honor just to hear you speak.” Yes! This is one of the few permissible requests that a potential boyfriend can make. Our lady brains are filled to the brim with compelling insights, unique stories, and fascinating quirks so yes, it absolutely IS an honor for any boy to get a sneak peek into our ~crazy beautiful minds~.
Well, there you have it, a small and certainly not comprehensive list of things that boys can and cannot ask of us as human ladies. In conclusion, we are all way too cool and uniquely beautiful to settle for anything less than a boy that appreciates us for who we are.