I’m currently in my third relationship and I learned a lot of things about myself from each boy I dated. But, I wish I could go back and tell myself to not date the emo skater boy because he fit my aesthetic, or don’t date the nice boy from Durham just because I wanted to feel loved. You see, relationships are all about making mistakes and learning from them, realizing that each person teaches you something about yourself. All three of the boys I’ve dated (and am currently dating), brought a lot of tears and sadness, but also happy moments that I don’t take for granted.
My first boyfriend was a huge mistake. I only dated him because back in high school I was getting out of my “emo” phase and thought he was the absolute spitting image of every emo girl’s dream boy. Boy, was that a bad idea. We only dated for three months and during all three of those months, he had been flirting and “hanging” out with other girls. After we broke up I found out it was more than just “hanging out”. Thankfully, that relationship didn’t hurt me nearly as much as my next two did. To PH- thank you for helping me realize my self-worth. I may not be worth your time, but I can promise you that I will be worth someone’s time someday.
My second boyfriend was more than I could’ve hoped for. He brought me a year and a half of happiness. He helped build me up to the best me that I could’ve been at that point in my life. The thing was, I ended this one. I broke his heart. After I started college at the University of Southern Maine, I slowly started to realize I didn’t love him as much as I thought I did. I only really loved him as a friend and I tore myself down to make him happy. I’d do what he’d want me to do to try and convince myself that I do love him. I actually made myself miserable just to make him happy… Lesson #1, don’t change yourself to make someone else happy. I still feel horrible to this day about how I ended things. It started as a break, and after a month of feeling free and happy, I went to his house and ended things completely. But here’s my mistake. I tried to be friends with him because I felt guilty that if I didn’t, he would do something to himself. Lesson #2, if you break up, stay broken up. I started dating my third boyfriend maybe 6 months after I officially ended things with him. He texted me and told me I am many things that I don’t want to repeat and I felt horrible for everything I had done. After my 19th birthday, he finally left me alone. I felt happy. I was happy that I didn’t have his pressure and anger following me.
Now, it’s the fall semester of 2020 and I just had a huge heartbreak. This one is my third boyfriend. He was absolutely perfect for me and everything I wanted in a boyfriend. I trusted him with my whole heart and finally found someone who was patient with me for waiting to have sex. But that didn’t last long. Just last week he told me he went to his friends house, and the next morning a girl adds me on snapchat. She tells me he had paid her for services (go girl, I support you making that coin), and that he had never mentioned me. She apologizes for doing all of it and sends me screenshots of their conversation and cashapp history. I couldn’t believe it. So, I asked him. He told me he has no idea who she was and actually strung together an entire lie; I believed him. It wasn’t until he mentioned another town that was over an hour away from the college he was attending that I asked the girl where she lived. She told me the same town. In that moment, I knew he lied. I could feel my bridge of trust collapse over the river and I can’t swim. Quickly, I was drowning in so so many dark thoughts. I called him later that night and we had an argument, I was sobbing and so was he, I told myself I wouldn’t forgive him. But here I am, trying to work on us to make us better. But maybe that wasn’t the right decision. I just want to be happy.
Before I sign off, these are things I wish I could’ve told myself before I started dating.
1. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, they don’t deserve you.
2. You NEVER have to change yourself to be deserving of somebody.
3. You’re only 19 Lanie, these boys aren’t your future. They are your present.
4. Dogs are always better than boys.
5. You are good enough. You always will be.
6. Eat that cookie, your body is perfect with or without that snack.
7. You are beautiful, inside and out, if they can’t see it then they’re not worth your time.
8. You don’t need to rush things, you have all of the time in the world to fall in love.
9. Love comes easy, but it takes trust and respect to keep growing.
10. “I love you” is just a phrase, actions speak louder than words.
So Lanie, here’s to us. Here’s to a year with straight A’s (maybe), cute outfits, good friends, and happiness. We do not need a significant other to validate us. We are beautiful and we are strong. I’m here for you if you’re here for me. <3
With that, I’m signing off.
XOXO Lanie
