My journey with self-love is a rocky one, one that I did not let many people in on who are close to me. I have struggled with self-acceptance and getting over humps in my past where I was bitter and insecure, but also afraid and beaten down. I am so proud of the progress I have made in my life, and I am thriving because of all I overcame. And honestly, I did most of the work alone, in my own head.
I came to terms with a lot over the last year. I never let anyone in about how insecure I was about how I did academically in high school, how alone I really felt in the early fall of my sophomore year, and how much guilt and worry I have carried about my older sister who is autistic and has been misunderstood her entire life. I was more vulnerable in this year, 2020, than I ever have been and have gained insight on how I can cope with my past. Every day I am growing further from the insecure version of myself, and with that I have never been happier in my life and believe I have found “self-love.”
The culture of “self-love,” as I have always seen it, is to accept yourself. “Self-love” always meant to me that I needed to treat MYSELF better, that I needed to change MY mindset towards MY worth. So, in this year, and slowly in the years prior, I did exactly that. Quite frankly, I’ve never felt better about myself and I’ve been extremely and unapologetically happy. I am proud of how I am doing in school, I feel so loved by the people around me, and my relationship with my sister has never been better. All these elements in my life that I worked at and climbed metaphorical mountains for, all made me find a new love for myself. I changed the doubt and worry that made up my mindset and it ended up making me glow with a feeling of satisfaction I’d never shown before. I really overcame a lot.
This all brings us to my car ride a couple days ago, with my windows down, Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield singing through my speakers. Sunshine peered through my open sun roof and I was already set to mark this day as another unbelievably happy one. Listening to the song, I start to remember my 5th grade classroom, the smell of glitter glue and the feel of the smooth beige desks. I know now how this song resonates with my life. This very song was on my 5th grade graduation video, something I held near to my heart for a long time. I went home the day I received it in 2011 and watched it over and over, teary eyed with disbelief that I was growing up. I haven’t watched the video in years.
I remember that I loved that video. Not in a way that I think I looked like some model in it (Okay, I WAS very cute), but I adored the memories, how much I enjoyed my life in elementary school. The video was filled with pictures of me doing crafts, laughing with friends, playing on the black top at recess. It resembled my innocence, and a part of my life where I truly loved myself, before I knew it could even be hard to do that. I honestly wish it could have been left that way, untouched and uncontaminated.
In the beginning of high school, during my first real relationship, I showed my boyfriend at the time the video with the Natasha Bedingfield song and the elementary school memories. He then responded by pointing out one of the girls next to me in the video, essentially telling me she was prettier than me and was “the cutest girl” he thought he had ever seen. The girl in the video was a friend of mine, someone I loved and respected. After that day I was jealous of her and to this day I don’t think I ever looked at her the same. Honestly, what a shame I even listened to him.
The other day when I heard this song in the car and thought of my 5th grade video, I also thought about how awful and low his reaction made me feel. I thought about it the whole way home.
My first relationship made me feel like I was being compared constantly. I can remember phrases being said to me like “well, you aren’t the hottest girl I know” being filtered into my mind at the impressionable and vulnerable age of 14. I remember he would show me videos of men on YouTube who sport around with model girlfriends, and I just knew that he wanted to see that in me. It felt like I was given a list of terms and conditions. It felt wrong, but when you’re 14-15 you don’t always know how to process what real love is supposed to feel like and how you are supposed to be treated.
I guess my point is that self-love is taught as only being achievable if YOU change YOUR mindset. It can also feel like you have to realize how you are looking at yourself wrong, and that once you tell yourself you are beautiful that you will receive the imaginary “self-love ribbon of acceptance.” I don’t think we talk about enough how much others can crush your self-love and your view of yourself worth, and how hard it is to overcome that. As a little girl, I had a deeper love for myself that went without mentioning. Although I have slowly found it again, it was nothing short of easy.
I’m extremely lucky to have the friends I do. I mean, they show me love in every way they can. They also always make me feel beautiful, and always have. I remember I told one of my best friends, Hannah, how I couldn’t wait to get my moles removed. She told me she would pay to stitch them back on if I ever tried. I have the kind of friends who would yell at me if I ever tried to say my face was lopsided, that my teeth were weird, or if I ever said I didn’t love my body. Once I got to college, I realized that the people meant for you to stay in your life forever, are the ones who always without a doubt saw your beauty, strength and sparkle. I guess you never needed that stupid boyfriend or his opinion anyway, right? If I didn’t have these friends who make me better, I honestly don’t think I would love myself, or be reminded as to what I should love about myself.
My boyfriend now, makes me a better person as well. He loves me, and everything that revolves around me. I fall in love with him over and over again all the time, because he shows me new ways to love myself and I’m honestly a better person because of him. He doesn’t compare me, and I don’t compare him. It’s really just an unconditional love we have.
Now, I am almost 21 years old and recently showed my current boyfriend a video of me dancing with my best friend when we were eight. He practically beamed over it, telling me how much happiness seeing me like that brought him. He saw me for me, and I know without a doubt he thinks I’m the cutest girl in the world.
The people we care about around us help our “self-love” because honestly, you can’t do everything by yourself. It’s okay to get helpful reminders that you aren’t as terrible as you think you are, and that you ARE beautiful, no matter what you or anybody who is hurting you will say. I guess my final point is, dance in that video, dance your heart out, because one day someone who unapologetically loves you will see it and cheer you on.