You know that dream you have where you go to school with no pants on. Everyone laughs and stares at you and judges you because you’re the idiot that forgot pants. Imagine feeling that way all the time. That’s my life.
I have social anxiety. It’s hard for me to interact with a group of people because I’m afraid of judgment, embarrassment, or that something bad is going to happen. So basically freshman year of college. This has been something I’ve experienced since I was in middle school. But up until now I went to school with the same people since the 6th grade, everyone knew everyone, the social anxiety wasn’t really a problem. I knew how to handle it. But coming to a school where there’s more people in my dorm than in my graduating class was a little scary.
Getting to know people was hard. I was basically a walking “Hello my name is” sticker the first couple days. The only conversation I had with people (other than my roommate) was “Hello my name is Lauren, I’m from CT but don’t ask where because trust me you won’t know where, and I’m a genetics major”. But now it’s gotten to the point where you can only introduce yourself so many times before people start to recognize you. When they did, I would give a smile, a slight wave, and walk away hoping they wouldn’t start a conversation with me. Little did they know when they said hi to me around campus my heart felt like exploding. What are they thinking? Do they like me? Am I supposed to be here? Don’t say anything stupid because then you look like a loser. I would constantly rehearse in my head what I was going to say. I never wanted to risk standing out in a crowd. Honestly, I didn’t know how I was ever going to make friends. Did anyone actually want to be my friend? Was it worth trying?
I don’t think anyone realized how hard it was for me to be myself. I’d hold my breathe and be so afraid to say anything because whatever I said was going to come out weird or wrong. But I just needed to stop thinking and start ignoring that anxious feeling. I started out small and got to know the girls on my floor. And wow, that was a big move by me. Little did I know I would be living down the hall from some of my closest friends. This was when I started to realize that maybe everything was in my head. Maybe people will like me here. Maybe I don’t have to worry that people will judge every little thing I do.
After making friends on my floor, I got the know people throughout my whole dorm. Now I have a whole group of friends that I’m not afraid to be myself around them. Whenever I hang out with them I feel like I belong. The uneasy, tense feeling when I walked in and out of the dorm and the sudden racing of my heart whenever someone looked at me was finally going away. I know this nervous feeling I get around people won’t go away magically. It’s something I’ll have to be okay with. But handling my social anxiety on my own has been a lot easier.
The best part about freshman year is that I meet new people everyday. I finally found my place at UNH and those thoughts of “Am I doing everything right? ” have slowly disappeared. I did not expect to find a group of people I felt comfortable around so fast. They all like me for me. I don’t have that constant nervous feeling that no one in the room wants me there or the thought that people are constantly judging me. I can actually speak to them without getting nervous or quiet or taking a few seconds to think about what I was gonna do next.
Freshman year isn’t that bad after all. I’ve learned that everyone is somewhat nervous about finding they people they fit in with, whether they have social anxiety or not. So take my advice: go out with the guys that wander into your room on a Friday night, join a club, sit with new people in class. You never know, you might meet your best friends. I’m really happy here, even though my social anxiety is still a challenge for me, I no longer have a fear of freshman year (kinda).