TW: Sexual Assault
Dear Fellow Survivor,
It’s April, which means it’s Sexual Assault Awareness Month (SAAM).
I’ve written about sexual assault multiple times, whether it be a public piece on this here website, in my own personal journal, or in a text message to a friend needing advice on how to handle their own. But funnily enough, I can never find the right words to describe it, to define the feelings it evokes, to get to the root of all evil that lies within those two words. Thirteen letters.
Honestly, I don’t think I ever will. I don’t think anyone will. That is both equally terrifying and frustrating, in so many ways. However, throughout the many late-night thoughts, talks, journal entries, and therapy sessions, I have come to terms with the fact that I’ll never understand it. I don’t really know if I want to understand it. I do know one thing, though, and that is that I, you, will always be more than what happened.
It will never be a linear process of healing. The memory may always be tethered to your mind. You may still have the breakdowns, the nightmares, the bad days. It is incredibly hard to digest the fact that you lost a piece of yourself that night. To digest the fact that your privacy and the safety you inhabited within your heart and soul, were robbed of you. None of it has been or will be easy, but I am proud of how you managed to persevere and come out on the other side of it all. That you have amounted to more than you lost that night.
But none of the praise or the admiration for your strength will ever take away from the fact that you were violated, hurt, and robbed. That the person you were that night died in the hands of someone else. I am so sorry. So deeply, earnestly, sorry. I’m sorry that you get the ability to relate to something like this. I’m sorry that you, we, exist within a reality where our bodies have been broken into and raided. I’m sorry that you have to deal with the consequences of someone else’s actions. I am with you, I hear you, I believe you.
It isn’t your fault, it never was. It couldn’t be. How could you be at fault for someone else’s entitlement? That’s a rhetorical question, the answer is you can’t be. I may never be able to find the words that will truly resonate with you, sit deep within your soul, and help you find your way through the journey of healing. I am able to tell you, though, that I understand, that your story and your experience are valid.
I hope you heal one day, I hope you find a way to take back what you once lost, and I hope that you know how worthy you are of good things in life. I hope you know that you’re stronger than you will ever know. Most of all, you are not alone in this. Every experience is different, everyone reacts and copes differently, no two will ever be the same. However, regardless of how dark and lonely it may feel from time to time, you are not and never will be alone in this.
We may never understand why it happened to us, why our words (or lack thereof), our cries and pleads, went unheard and ignored. I think finding out why may result in more pain than we already are feeling. Regardless of it all, I hope that you get your justice in some way, shape, or form. I hope that you have a safe space to express your feelings, thoughts, and emotions. I hope that you are taking care of yourself, being kinder to yourself, and remembering that you are not to blame.
If all else fails, I know I don’t know you, but you will always have me (in spirit), and I will always stand in solidarity with you.
Xoxo,
Your fellow survivor.
If you feel lost, need someone to talk to, or are in need of help, please refer to the list below:
UNH Sexual Harassment and Rape Prevention Program (SHARPP): https://www.unh.edu/sharpp/
For information on consent: https://www.rainn.org/articles/what-is-consent
A list of resources for you to choose from: https://www.rainn.org/national-resources-sexual-assault-survivors-and-their-loved-ones
For more information on SAAM: https://www.nsvrc.org/saam