An open letter to someone that changed me:
One year ago, tonight, something changed for me. I made a decision that without my knowing, would alter a lot for me. Something that would keep me up on some nights for reasons that I would not understand. I made a decision that would open my eyes to the cruelty of the world and my heart would experience the true pain of heartbreak.
Today, I am not sad. Most days, I am not sad. There are pangs, the moments when you are reminded of the immensity of never, but these are only moments. They come and go, I think of you and the thought passes like a cloud in the sky.
I think about where I sat one year ago tonight, in your car, on the way to run an errand, the first of many mysterious errands that I would later learn were just lies. In that same seat, I was asked to be a girlfriend. A real official 100% girlfriend. Facebook official and all. One year ago, tonight, I said yes. Silly me.
Fast forward to tonight, I am not angry that I said yes. I know that things could have been so different. I also know that I believe everything happens for a reason and I am not to know the reason now or maybe ever. I don’t know why I was supposed to love you but I do know that loving you hurt me more than I ever imagined it would.
Tonight, I know exactly where we were going on that errand. Tonight, I wonder how it was so easy for you to lie to me. I shouldn’t miss you. I shouldn’t think about you as often as I do. I do. It’s the what-ifs for me. I have never been very good with those. I wonder if you have any idea. I wonder if you have thought of me today.
I used to tell you all my love but in the very same package, you held all my stress, anxiety, pain, you name it. You consumed me. You took over my brain in a way that was terrifying. I lost all control and all say in my feelings. I gave you more than I intended to.
This isn’t to say I haven’t healed. I have healed. It is still so incredibly hard to get my thoughts about you down on paper.
You changed something in me. You made me afraid. You opened my eyes to the bad in the world. You forced me to grow up. You made me stop believing in the fairy tales. How could you be prince charming when I was busy doing all the saving?
You made me more human. You made me feel more than I even knew was possible. Even on the worst days, the days that it felt like I couldn’t breathe, I was reminded that I was alive. You made me feel so ALIVE.
Thank you for so much. Thank you for making me fall in love with you for the wrong reasons, before I knew the real you so that I never have to do it again. Thank you for loving me for what I gave you instead of who I am so I never have to let anyone do that again. Thank you for giving me pain, stress, exhaustion and more tears than I could muster again. Thank you for teaching me so many lessons. Thank you for taking my power so I could learn to how to get it back and the importance of holding on to it. Thank you for reminding me how important my people are to me. Thank you for everything. Without the heartbreak I experienced with you, I wouldn’t be as strong as I am today. My heartbreak came with the support system that most dream of.
I truly want the best life for you. I want you to have shelter, safety, family, happiness, love, health and most importantly, hope. I want you to hope all on your own. It is out there. You just have to go find it. I want you to be PROUD of who you are. I want you to stop letting other people reassure you of your goodness. I want you to learn to take blame and apologize without defensiveness, but with honesty. Life doesn’t have to suck. Even among the pain and the times when it feels like nothing will get better, you are still alive. You are the one who taught me that, after all. I want you to find love inside who you are. Lastly, I want you to think of me as I think of you, like a cloud in the sky. Hold on to me for a moment. Whether in vain, lust or remorse, think of me. Now, let me let you go.
All my love