My first semester of college was hard. I brought all of my high school habits with me — like sitting quietly in the very back of a room, or being unfriendly with people who tried to talk to me in class. I didn’t even realize I was so standoffish until I started taking classes for my major, surrounded by people I didn’t know I would spend the next four years with.
I knew I wanted to talk to my classmates, but I didn’t know how — or if they would want to talk to me. I wanted to become a friendly presence. Someone who was vibrant and put themself out there to make others feel like they could, too.
So I spent my second semester of college doing just that. I started making small talk with everyone I could, so I could make friends, but I also learned so much about socializing with strangers. I started by just saying hello to employees at the grocery store or people on campus, which moved to starting conversations while waiting for class to start with professors and classmates. That bloomed into me starting conversations with everyone, everywhere I went; people at concerts, parties, parks, and roller rinks.
- PEOPLE ARE GENERALLY NICER THAN YOU THINK
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One of my biggest fears when meeting new people was the thought, What if they’re mean, and what if they hate me? I’m pretty sure that’s why I was so closed off before. I cared too much about what other people would think of me and prevented myself from meeting those who might have liked me.
In my first few encounters with strangers, I noticed how inviting and kind they were. Some were hesitant about a stranger coming up to them, but they all became comfortable with it. I’ve done this in classes, at work, on the bus, in the grocery store line, even on a plane when I was a solo traveler. I don’t think I’ve met one person who wasn’t friendly. People are kind, you just have to approach them.
- PEOPLE WANT TO TALK TO YOU JUST AS MUCH AS YOU WANT TO TALK TO THEM
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If you want to chit chat, imagine how many other people want to as well. Humans are social creatures; people want to talk, but they’re afraid to start something. I don’t know how many conversations I’ve had where the other person said something about how when they saw me they thought I was cool, but they were nervous to approach.
So, if you think someone is cool, go for it! People love a compliment, so tell them you think they’re cool. Complete strangers are probably looking at you thinking, I want to go up to them, but they might think I’m weird. If the stranger came up to you, would you think they’re weird? No! So why would they?
- PEOPLE WITH THE SAME INTERESTS AS YOU ARE HIDING EVERYWHERE
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First of all, you don’t have to have something in common to be kind and have a good conversation. But you’ll find common ground with a stranger 99% of the time. I’ve only met one or two people who I just couldn’t click with because we didn’t have enough in common, and even that is rare. I’ve found that I have just as much in common with a 40-year-old mother of three as I do a 19-year-old college student.
One of the biggest things to keep in mind here is to not judge a book by its cover. That blonde sorority girl in your class might like anime. The quiet kid in the corner may have the craziest party life and the best stories. That random man you work with might love painting. There are so many people to connect with, and I didn’t even realize how many things I liked until people brought them up in conversation.
- FINDING FRIENDS MAKES YOU MORE COMFORTABLE IN YOUR ENVIRONMENT
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I recently started a new job at a fast food place where everyone was already established friends, but once I started talking to my coworkers about more than work, my ability to do my job got sooo much better. That’s because I got comfortable with who I was around!
If you don’t talk to the people you’re around, you’re going to remain this awkward, quiet person who doesn’t quite know where they fit in. By not starting a conversation, you might severely limit yourself.
It’s also just fun to have someone around who knows you. Even in classes, I was limiting myself; I didn’t want to ask the professor questions because then the whole class would know I didn’t understand. (Side note: you’re not stupid for that! People have the same questions as you, so please ask them.) Having someone else in the class that I could ask questions to helped me out so much. They either had the answer, or they didn’t know either, and that gave me the confidence to speak up.
- PEOPLE APPRECIATE THE UNIQUE YOU
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It’s so easy to put on a fake, neutral personality, but it’s actually robotic. Everyone is unique. Nobody acts like a robot, so why should you act like one?
Many people find small talk shallow and unimportant, but it’s only like that if you make it like that. Small talk doesn’t have to be about the weather; it can be getting to know someone’s favorite show or sharing your current obsession. That’s also how you find people with similar interests. I met someone who did exactly this at a rave in Boulder. They came up to me, and, within one minute, I found out they actually go to school with me, live down the block from me, and had read the same life-altering fanfic that I had. I would’ve never known that unless it was brought up.
Although, you might meet someone who really is into the weather. I know a guy studying to be a meteorologist, and he takes every opportunity to talk about it. But even he was passionate! Talking to a boring person is boring, but no one is actually boring, so don’t act like it.
Be you, and people will want to be around you.
It’s incredible how many people there are in the world, and you’ll never meet most of them. I could’ve had a dozen friends that I just never talked to. And if you don’t get along with everyone or click with someone, that’s OK; at least you tried.