Sex is hard enough on its own, right? The people involved have to feel comfortable and safe, all while doing something that can get pretty messy and unpredictable. Then, there’s the overarching goal of pleasing yourself and the other person. While sex is hard enough on its own, it gets even more difficult when your partner identifies as something you may not understand. Though my sex is female I identify genderfluid, which means I fluctuate between male and female in mental state and physical presentation. This, like bisexuality, is often accused of being an out for someone who is indecisive or confused. Really, it’s best explained through the phrase psychologically intersex.
Intersex is a person whose body has “non-binary genitals and other sexual traits” also known as hermaphroditism. Shiri Eisner, a queer researcher, activist and author, says that “bisexual people were seen as psychologically intersex…in other words, a bi persons ‘male’ part desires women, whereas her ‘female’ part desires men.” For a gender-fluid person, I think a bit differently, considering no matter the gender state they’re in they feel attraction for their partner no matter the partners gender (similar in this aspect to pansexual), but it is a good relation because bisexuality is a form of fluidity paralleled to intersex and genderfluid could be seen as psychologically intersex as well. I can’t speak for every genderfluid person, but I can shed some light from my perspective.
Unless someone has indicators such as the way they dress and the way they speak when they’re portraying one gender over the other, or neutral, you may not know how their feeling. If it’s your partner you have an advantage, you’ll be able to see patterns or they’ll be comfortable telling you which pronouns if any they prefer at the moment. This can be tricky when it comes to being intimate. When a biologically female genderfluid person is fluid towards male during sex, they may feel uncomfortable having female genitalia touched. That’s ok, it doesn’t mean they’re not attracted to you or your touch, they might just feel dysphoria being reminded of their female body when that’s not where their mind is at.
Ways to remedy dysphoria are many, but let’s cover a few. It may help to wear a binder, leaving their chest flat (or at least constricted) and covered. It may help to don a strap on and, if you’re comfortable with it, treat the accessory as part of their body and make them feel as validated as you can. Whether it’s oral sex or penetration, with the addition of this part they may feel a boost in their comfort and confidence. Another way to support them is while using their preferred pronoun, using adjectives accordingly. It may seem simple, and supportive of gender constructs, but women are often called beautiful and men are often called handsome. Although there are beautiful men, and handsome women, try using gender-affirming adjectives with your partner.
This dynamic could apply to butch women, or someone transitioning. The concept of getting to know your partner’s needs in a sexual relationship can apply to everyone. As the person they trust enough to come to naked, literally and metaphorically, you have a lot of responsibility, Which is terrifying, right? Believe me, they have the same responsibility to you, and it is terrifying. Talking things out and being open to new ideas are our best friends when it comes to that messy, unpredictable, exciting and potentially earth-shaking thing we call sex.