I do not have a problem being alone. Sometimes, I prefer it.
At home, I plan day trips to botanical gardens and museums for myself. I eat alone in restaurants. I pick a nearby town and explore its main street solo. I love doing these things with friends, too, but sometimes I need to carve out a space to enjoy my own company.
It took me a long time to become comfortable with being alone in public spaces. Now that I’m abroad in Ireland, I’ve gone through the process of relearning how to be alone out of necessity. I’m only here for a few months, and I’m not going to be able to do all of the traveling I want if I’m waiting on other people to join me. It’s nerve-wracking to hop on a bus in another country and go, but it’s also my favorite kind of adventure.
I started small. I’d leave my apartment in the morning and just start walking in one direction until I saw something interesting. When I’m alone and I’m not on a time crunch, I allow myself to go into any open shop, church or structure that makes me look twice. I call these my “impulse walks,” and they’ve become one of my favorite things because there’s no one to rush me. I don’t second-guess my interest—I just go.
I’m lucky to be in a safe city where these impulse walks don’t get me into any trouble. When visiting other areas, I do my research beforehand to see if there are any safety concerns.
Last week, I walked 50 minutes from Clonakilty’s town center to Inchydoney Beach. I kneeled in the white sand and built my first sand castle in 10 years or more. I decided how long I wanted to stay, where I wanted to eat and the sights I wanted to see without outside input.
When I was younger, I pitied anyone I saw eating alone in a restaurant. Now I have such a strong respect for anyone who’s able to shrug off social pressure and enjoy their alone time in a public setting. It’s great to have a cozy night in with just you and your Netflix account, but I find it even better to take yourself on a real date where you’re totally independent.
Spending more time by myself has also allowed me to explore the possibility that I might not want to get married and have kids. The “old maid” stigma terrified me as a teenager, mostly because I saw that as a very real path for my life. Historically, many female writers were (and sometimes still are) often depicted as having miserable personal lives, partially because they chose not to attach themselves in this way (Emily Dickinson, Emily Brontë, Jane Austen, Louisa May Alcott—basically, all my faves).
By getting more comfortable with going places by myself, I’ve lessened the pressure to follow a traditional life path. I don’t feel locked into an either-or scenario where I’m either married or doomed to die alone.
You don’t have to study abroad in a single student exchange program to start enjoying your solitude. Visiting a coffee shop or a bakery, taking a walk somewhere new or going to the movies by yourself is a great place to start. It’s a small step in the journey of not caring how you’re perceived, but for me it’s been an important one.
One of my favorite songs is “Kite” by U2. Bono sings, “I want you to know / You don’t need anyone or anything at all.” It would be easy to view this line as lonely, but instead I see it as comforting. Being able to stand on your own, with or without support, inspires the kind of confidence that everyone should get to have.