For the first time, I saw myself in the mirror and saw what others saw of me. If I said I was pleased with what I saw, I’d be lying. I was playing someone I would despise if I met in real life. That night, I gave myself permission to grieve by how I presented myself to the world. I adore the word “love” and I love compassion, but why was it exactly the reverse of what I was projecting?
Fear, to answer my question. I recall a time when I was sincere and kind, but also naive about the world. I had been stepped on so many times as a child that I had forgotten what love felt like. It’s a natural human desire for love. There’s no denying that we all crave love, but it’s also love that keeps us from ever feeling unwanted, unloved, or unworthy.
We were taught as children to “treat others as you would like to be treated,” and I wanted to live by that rule. When I looked around my fourth-grade classroom, all I wanted to know was why I wasn’t being treated the same way the other students were. It was the first time I had experienced the sensation of being unworthy. I wanted to treat people the way they’d treated me, but I realized that’s not how I’d like to be treated, so is it really me? Is it possible that I don’t deserve to be treated with respect?
As I continued to be treated in such a way at school and at home, it became harder to treat others the way I wanted to be treated. I had asked myself too many times what I did to deserve to be treated with neglect and unkindness. I couldn’t find a better answer other than, “I am too nice.” So why is it that we learn how to treat others at a young age but completely ignore it? What happened to me treating others the way I wanted to be treated?
As I said before, I love love and I cherish compassion, but over the years, I didn’t see the point of giving it out if I wasn’t going to receive it. As Dr. Perry stated in his newest book with Oprah Winfrey, “What happened to you?” Our brain is organized to act and feel before we think. So the concept of “thinking before acting” sounds a bit absurd now. Based on the experiences that we have, our minds fill in details without realizing. What we perceive determines how we define reality, as well as our emotional perceptions. So, what does this all mean? I wasn’t aware of the persona I was showing to the world so when I met myself, it wasn’t much of a shocker to not be proud of that image.
You are not your past, and you are certainly not your thoughts, to tell you the truth. “You are under no obligation to be the same person you were five minutes ago,” Alan Watts, a well-known writer, famously stated. Don’t let your history prevent you from living the life you desire because you’re afraid you’ll be treated the same way you were in the past. You will never see what is ahead if you focus on what you’ve left behind. Love fervently and tenderly.