It’s engagement season, and if you’re single, you certainly know what that means! While all of your friends in relationships take the giant step toward being adults, you’re stuck binge-watching episodes of The Office and pulling day-old crumbs out of your bra (we see you). Well, during this harrowing time, here is a quick fix to warm up your cold, dead heart (if only for a little while), and do you know what’ll get you really nice and toasty? Booze. Lots of booze. So, rather than drowning yourself in alcohol and tears, we’re gonna play a game and make things fun.
Items Needed:
Alcohol (duh) – Pick your poison. If you’re feelin’ ~classy~ then might I suggest a fine wine, or if you’re trying to get lit, try something stronger, like vodka or absinth (jk, don’t do absinth)
Computer or Phone – You’ll need the internet to access the highlights of everyone’s lives that make you feel like you’re living your life wrong (AKA social media)
Depressing Playlist – This may be a game, but you’re still drinking alone, which still makes this sad. Try finding a nice heartbreak playlist on Spotify, key songs to look for range from “My Heart Will Go On” by Celine Dion to “In The Arms of The Angel” by Sarah McLachlan. (Remember: If you aren’t feeling at least a little sad, then you’re doing it wrong!)
Bitterness – You need to be prepared to laugh at people you know, people you don’t, people you love, people you hate, etc. If there’s any room for love, then GTFO. I don’t wanna hear any, “Oh, my friend’s cousin’s sister’s engagement is cheesy, but it was still classy!” No. We don’t care about your friend’s cousin’s sister’s excuses. This is a time of judgement, so be prepared to get bitter.
Instructions:
First, find a comfy place to play – the game will last as long as you want it to, so be prepared to sit for a short time or a long time. Pull up the social media account you use the most (preferably Facebook or Instagram). Now, pour yourself a glass of whatever alcohol you’ve decided on. Scroll through your news feed and every time you see an engagement announcement with any of the following characteristics, follow the rule above it. Good luck, and happy drinking!
Take a sip if…
The proposal took place in an open field.
The quote “I get to marry my best friend” appears anywhere.
A picture of a left hand with an engagement ring, and the fiance jumping or smiling in the background plagues your newsfeed.
A mug with any engagement quotes pops up. (For example: “Future Mrs. ______” or “Does this ring make me look engaged?”)
Any of the blatantly obvious “I said yes!” captions accompany a photo. (Yes, we understand you said yes, otherwise this would be a very sad post.)
They use a cheesy hashtag. (Take an extra sip if the hashtag rhymes – #ImMarryingWineAndIFeelFine)
The photos include a close up on the engagement ring. (Because that’s the most important part of the engagement, obviously.)
Take two sips if…
The man is wearing plaid — Actually, scratch that, if anyone is wearing plaid. (Why do they always wear plaid??)
The word “hitched” is placed anywhere.
A beach is somehow involved.
There are any references to Beyonce. (For example: “Feyonce” or “He put a ring on it!”)
The world’s most overused biblical quote sneaks onto your newsfeed: “I have found the one whom my soul loves” Song of Solomon 3:4.
Any cheesy love quotes from the following sources: John Green, The Notebook, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Nicholas Sparks.
The engagement photos include the quote “He Asked… She Said Yes” anywhere.
The engagement photo doesn’t even show their faces, just hands (because apparently that’s a trend now…)
Down your drink if…
A chalkboard is used in the engagement photos.
Animals are included anywhere (the one good thing about having these pictures on your newsfeed).
Scrabble pieces spell out “FOREVER” in the most unnecessary throwback ever for the engagement photos. (Let’s be real, you can only get 13 points from it, you’d have a better chance winning if you spelled out “XYLOPHONE” or something, idk).
If you thought that was tough, just wait until wedding season…