Living with roommates is probably one of the most difficult parts of going to college. Or even just growing up. As a third-year student, I have had a total of 10 different roommates since I enrolled here at UGA. I have lived both on and off campus and each experience has been drastically different. It can be either the best time of your life or your worst nightmare.
I want to say that I am no expert in the roommate or living department. I would also like to mention that I will be talking about the Do’s and Don’t’s of community living that worked personally for me. Essentially, this is all my opinion. As I have previously stated, everybody’s situation is different. With that being said, let’s get into it:
Communication is key
Yes, yes. Everybody preaches about the importance of communication. But they have a good point. A lot of the time, conflict is just caused by a lack of communication. One person may know something that the other doesn’t. Maybe there’s a reason your roommate does things differently than you. In my personal experiences, almost all of the ongoing conflict that I have had living with others is from the lack of communication and understanding.
I could write a novel about the importance of communication and all the ways you can do this. For time’s sake, I will try my best to summarize it quickly.
It can be as simple as telling your roommate what’s bothering you. But it can also be as complicated as telling your roommates that you don’t feel like you fit in with them, and it makes it harder for you to contribute to house chores, activities, etc. But you have to remember that your roommates will not understand your point of view, nor will you understand theirs, if no one talks to each other.
Some things can be fixed with a simple, “Hey, lately this has been bothering me and I was hoping we could talk about it,” text. This kind of message rarely comes across as malicious or personal. Oftentimes, texting about these smaller things can make it easier to talk about other issues in the future. It is important to remember that your roommates may have something they want to talk about as well. These kinds of messages and quick talks are great for things like chores, loud music, boundaries, etc.
Other times, it’s necessary to sit down with all your roommates and have a more serious talk. For serious conflicts, it is essential that everyone involved is present to talk together. Everyone needs to have a chance to talk, and everyone has a side to the story. These kinds of conflicts could very well be something personal and beyond a surface-level issue. These could also be a result of other conflicts that were never resolved and continued to build up. Sometimes, it’s beneficial to have an RA present to facilitate and observe the conversation. Overall, these kinds of issues can be prevented with everyday conversation.
If direct communication doesn’t work, or reminders need to be set, there are a few things you can try. One of the most simple methods is leaving little notes/reminders in the apartment. BEWARE: this can be taken the wrong way and could make things worse if you don’t do it right. Do not be mean or malicious in your notes. Do not single people out in notes that are visible to everybody. Use please and thank you. Be nice about it. And after leaving your little notes, make sure you tell your roommates you put them there. Take accountability for trying this form of communication. This is not something that I always recommend, but it has worked in the past for things like missing groceries, cleaning out the lint trap and not putting liquids in the trash bin. If this is not something you want to try, then keep trying to communicate in person, over text, etc.
The goal is to be direct, respectful, and solution-oriented. As you’ll see later on, communication is what fixes 99% of your problems.
Separating “friends” from “roommates”
Being roommates with your friends seems like a great idea at first. I mean, what could go wrong? A lot. When I decided to move in with a few friends, it turned out that we hated living together. I learned that there were a lot of different opinions/practices when it came to cleaning, pets, music/TV volume, quiet time, overnight guests, etc. On top of all these problems, you probably feel uncomfortable talking about them because they are your friend. I’m here to tell you that you need to talk to them regardless of how close you and your roommates are.
It can be more difficult to be honest and bring up issues when you don’t want to ruin your friendship. But you have to remember what I said before: communication is key! The less you talk about it, the more your frustrations will build. It’s important to remember that living with another person will most likely change your friendship dynamic, whether it be for better or worse. It’s okay and perfectly normal. Change is normal. If it wasn’t, we wouldn’t be human.
I would also like to say that living with your friends does not always have to be a bad thing. There is a great chance that living with your friend(s) will strengthen your relationship and everyone will have a great time. I would highly recommend getting to know your friends’ living styles and maybe even go on a group trip together to have a trial living together. That way, you will get a glimpse of what living together could look like. Tested and true, this was a great way for me to find out what was and wasn’t going to work with my roommates. Then, we got a chance to talk about it and set boundaries before officially signing our leases and moving in together.
Chores
Ah yes, probably the most common roommate conflict I can think of. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this is one issue you will never escape. Well, unless you live alone. Oh, what a dream.
Anyway, there are a million things I can say about this one problem. To save time, I’ll cut to the chase: just make the chore chart. Yes, it seems childish and dumb. We’re all adults, so why would we need a chore chart? Because everyone is upset about the chore distribution. You wouldn’t need one if everyone either did their part or didn’t complain. So, here we are.
This can look different for everyone. My current roommates and I have one now pinned to the fridge. There are about five or six everyday chores for the rows and a different date in each column. A couple of chores we have on the chart include taking out the trash, loading the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher, and sweeping the floor. Once one of us completes a chore, we sign our name so everyone knows we did our part. It’s an easy way for everybody to keep track of the work distribution and make sure that no one person does the same things every single day.
If you’re not ready for the chore chart route, try talking it out first. Talk about how often you want to clean, how you do it, what you want things to look like, etc. Listen to how your roommates want to clean too. Everybody grew up differently and learned how to do things differently. Some people didn’t learn at all, which is okay. Just remember that every roommate group has this issue at some point and it can be such an easy fix.
pets
Your roommate has a cat and let you know before moving in. The cat has been registered and everything seems fine and dandy. Move-in day comes and all of a sudden one roommate has four cats in their room, another has two rabbits, another has a reptile obsession, and another wants to put their 60 gal saltwater fish tank in the living room. Oh, and don’t forget, you brought your dog too!
I wanted to dedicate a section to pets because it can really be a serious problem.
Pets are great companions and can be a great part of the college experience. But there has to be a limit. Many apartments and dorms do not allow pets. Others have a limit of two per unit, or sometimes one per resident. If the animal is not registered as a service animal or ESA, there is typically a non-refundable pet fee. I get it, we’re broke college students, and owning a pet is expensive enough. Paying the pet fee just makes it more expensive. But do not bring in animals that you do not plan on registering. Not to mention, if you do not register your pet and your landlord/RA discovers the animal during routine inspections, you and your roommates risk fines, penalties, or even eviction.
I cannot say this part enough: ask your roommates before getting an animal. Trust me, no one wants to be roommates with another person who decided to surprise you with their new pet they found in a Walmart parking lot. If you really do want to own a pet and live with other people, you need to tell them. If they are not comfortable living with an animal, then they might not be the best roommate for you. And vice versa.
If you are not ready to take on the responsibility of a new pet, then you need to make sure you do not get one. I know, those kittens at PetSmart are just so cute and only $50. As somebody who has been volunteering with an animal rescue for months, worked in a pet store and has owned several kinds of animals, it gets expensive fast. There are vet bills, spay/neuter, food, litter, toys, beds, flea and tick prevention, and so much more. If you do not properly take care of your pet, their health and the other pets’ health will be at risk. Think before you choose to get one. I got a cat the second I turned 18 and was thrilled to see she was only $25 at the shelter. Since then, she has cost me well over $6,000 in vet bills and requires a lot of special attention. I love her dearly and I cannot imagine my life now without her, but I wish I planned before getting her. Do your research and really think about your decision. Don’t do what I did.
If you really, really want a pet, get a fish. I am not kidding. I personally have a freshwater tank and I love each of the fish in there. They are fun and super easy to take care of. Not to mention, they are one of the more inexpensive pet options out there. And, there’s no pet fee for fish!
you’re the problem too
Okay, I know that sounds harsh, but hear me out on this one. Like I said in my intro, I have had 10 different roommates. What do you think the common denominator is? It’s me.
You have to remember that your roommate is probably just as upset as you are. Think about it from their perspective. While you’re explaining that you’re upset their dish is still in the sink, they’re thinking, “It’s only been two days, why are they getting so upset?” This circles back to communication, as do many other things. The whole point here is that nobody is seeing eye to eye. So, listen to what they have to say about you. Nobody is perfect; everyone has room for improvement.
Try to think about things that you might be doing to contribute to the conflict. Self-reflection is always a great way to better yourself. There is no shame in acknowledging your flaws and trying to fix them. It’s worse if you stay close-minded and you’re not willing to meet your roommates in the middle. There will rarely be a right and a wrong in basic roommate conflicts. Besides, compromise is a great solution.
For everybody to feel happy and at home, everybody needs to make sacrifices and be willing to change.
acceptance
Not to be pessimistic, but some things will never change. Your roommate really might never take the trash out. They might never stop eating your groceries. They might never clean the living room with you. They might never turn down their music.
It sucks.
Remember that you won’t be living together for the rest of your lives. This is all temporary and you just need to worry about yourself. Focus on other things. If you need to, go out and do things to get out of the apartment. Join a club, make some new friends, and sit at your favorite coffee shop. And most importantly, think about ways that you and your roommates can agree to disagree. It would be torture if you had to worry about coming home every day and argue about things that you shouldn’t be thinking about so much. College is supposed to be a fun experience. Don’t let other people ruin it for you.
If things really don’t get better and you really can’t see yourself living with the person any longer, there is no shame in looking for other living options. There are always people out there looking to sublease last minute. There also might be a chance you can switch to a different dorm in the middle of the year. Don’t hesitate to look for other options if it’s the best action for you.
