How to Get Over Your Mr. Big

You and the girls are at Paloma Park, grabbing some strawberry margs before a night out. Between the margs and our 20-something brains, girl talk inevitably means boy talk. And honestly? We wouldn’t have it any other way (even though we should probably fix that). After one too many drinks, you’re losing it over that one guy. You never dated, but you basically did. “You don’t get it, he’s literally in love with me,” you say. “What if he’s out tonight?” Hope stirs within you, with an underlying current of white-hot frustration. 

Maybe you’ll see him at Cutter’s with his arm draped around someone else. Maybe at Magnolia’s, where you first met. Maybe you won’t see him at all, and as much as you hate to admit it, it will ruin your night. That’s the thing—it all unfolds in a way we’ve seen a million times, one that Sex and the City has taught us to expect.   

Carrie and Mr. Big’s relationship isn’t just fiction. It mirrors the push-and-pull dynamics so many of us have lived. As much as we wanted to scold Carrie for going back, it’s difficult to break out of a push-and-pull dynamic. So what can you do if you realize that your tall, charming, but tragically emotionally unavailable guy is in fact, a Mr. Big?  

The Difference Between “Moving On” vs. “Moving Forward”

Breaking free from the hold of a Mr. Big isn’t just about letting go of the person. It’s about redefining what moving forward looks like. I know, I said we’re “getting over” our Mr. Big. But what’s the difference between moving on and moving forward? Normally when things like this happen, we’re hounded by our girlfriends to go out and find someone else. However, I don’t think this actually helps with truly getting over someone. It’s forced detachment, and those negative feelings will unfortunately resurface unless you honor them. Not running from your feelings will help you in the long run. That’s moving forward. Let yourself grieve the fantasy, the what if? 

Recognizing the Fantasy for What It Is

One of the most appealing parts about dealing with a Mr. Big is the idea of him choosing you. If you wait long enough, say the right thing, and be available, maybe they’ll come around. The thing is that they almost never do. 

When you’re far away from someone for a while, you tend to romanticize the little interactions you have with them. The phrase “absence makes the heart grow fonder” rings very true in those moments. But distance can also offer clarity. The more space you give yourself, the more you’ll see that the version of them you’re holding onto isn’t real—it’s a fantasy. Don’t ignore the 90% of them not treating you properly and hold onto that 10% of them treating you well just for the sake of having someone. 

Cut Off the Emotional Supply

The push-and-pull dynamic of Carrie and Mr. Big thrived a lot on the hope that Carrie had and the attention that she gave Mr. Big, who exploited it. Texting and “accidentally” going to places he’ll be are not the best ways to get over your Mr. Big. A lot of times, nothing comes out of it except for disappointment. Same with lurking on social media. Keeping tabs on people who hurt you will only hurt you. 

Clean breaks aren’t always realistic. It’s difficult to untangle yourself from someone like a Mr. Big, where there are so many highs and lows. They’ll text “wyd” at 2 AM after the bars close, or suddenly remember that concert you mentioned months ago. You’ll feel guilty and give in. Then once you give them that again, they’ll pull back because they got what they wanted: attention. Rinse and repeat. In order to successfully fend off a Mr. Big, you’ll have to stay strong. Think about it: do you really want to be with someone who picks you up and throws you away when it is convenient for them? You may like them, but you need to like yourself more. 

Be Kind to Yourself and Forgive

I know what you’re thinking because I was there too: How could I have been so dumb? I’m gonna hold your hand while I say this. You aren’t dumb. You were just hopeful things would change, that they would realize their feelings for you and change. But you have to remember that we can’t make people act the way we want. If you even get to that point, then they definitely weren’t the one for you.    

Take Back your Life

After a somethingship like that, it’s hard to remember who you are beyond the person who waited for their texts. That’s why it’s time to put the focus back on yourself. What do you like to do? Maybe it was that cool student org you stopped going to because they might want to “hang out” after class

Start small: sign up for that Pilates class you’ve been eyeing. Replace the energy you spent checking their social media with learning a new language on Duolingo. Trade the hours spent waiting for a perfect response for morning runs or coffee dates with your girls.

Remember all those things you said you’d do “sometime”? Now is your sometime. Because here’s the truth: while you’re busy building a life you love, you won’t have time to wonder what they’re doing. And that’s not just moving on—that’s moving forward.

It is so easy to want to indulge in revenge and want them to hurt how they hurt you. But honestly? The best revenge is a life well-lived—not because they’ll see it, but because you’ll be too busy enjoying it to care if they do.

• college
• relationship
• Sex in the City