So your friend just confided in you a pretty big secret. Something that was outside of who was dating who and the cute new outfit she had just bought. Your friend shared with you that she had been assaulted. You stop, unsure of how to respond. You never thought that you would have to confront this problem coming into college. You didn’t think that this kind of thing happened in real life, and on your college campus of all places. As friends, many of us are unsure how to respond. Here are some do’s and don’ts for comforting a friend who has been assaulted.
1. DO sympathize with her and listen to what she has to say.
Many times, when we go to our friends about something as serious at this, we feel ike we are a burden to them and bothering them with our problems. If your friend comes to you with a serious problem like this, you should feel pretty special because she trusts you enough to let herself be vulnerable and tell you what is going on. Listen to what she has to say and make her feel like she has viable things to say.
2. DO tell her that she’s not alone.
If anyone has been assaulted, they may feel like they are very alone and that no one around them has been through the same thing. However, this may not be the case. It’s understandable that if you are a victim of an assault that you won’t be forthcoming with that kind of information all the time. Even if you haven’t been a victim of assault like your friend, assure her that you will be there for her through any emotions she may be feeling.
3. DO reassure her and let her know that it’s not her fault.
It’s human nature to blame yourself and think that it is all your fault if you have been hurt by someone else. However, this is not the case. Assure her that it is not her fault that someone else decided to hurt her. Assure her that she had no control of her assailant’s actions.
4. DO encourage her to seek help from authorities.
No attack should go unpunished. If your friend feels comfortable enough and the crime against her is viable, encourage her to contact the authorities.
5. DO ask her questions in a sensitive way.
As their friend, you’re going to want to try to find out what happened. Gently ask them questions about what happened. If it seems like they may be getting overwhelmed and upset, it may be time to take a step back and try again later to attempt to get to the root of what happened.
6. DON’T disregard what she says.
Sometimes, when our friends tell us things, we disregard them thinking that they’re “just being dramatic,” or they’re “overreacting,” when something terrible has actually happened to them.
7. DON’T make her feel like you’re annoyed if she talks to you about what happened multiple times.
We seek comfort from our friends and therefore talk to them about our problems. If your friend talks to you multiple times about her attack, know that she may just be trying to work through her emotions by talking to you. Try to not get annoyed and instead, help her work through her emotions.
8. DON’T overwhelm her by trying to do everything for her.
No one wants to be treated like a victim. Respect your friend’s autonomy and allow her to continue her daily routine without overwhelming her and trying to be by her side for everything. She may appreciate it at first, but after awhile it may become annoying.
9. DON’T push her into talking about what occurred or to report to the police if she is not ready.
Time can heal all wounds. It’s important to realize that your friend may not be ready to file a police report or talk about what happened just yet and that’s okay. She will come to you and disclose what happened when she’s ready.
10. DON’T panic.
Your reaction can either escalate the situation and cause your friend to freak out or you can calm your friend by remaining calm and having a conversation with her, instead of causing her to freak out even more.