My first year of college was not what I was expecting. Instead of breezing through my classes, partying with my friends and falling in love, I cried on the phone to my mom with an overpriced pint of Ben and Jerry’s in hand. I didn’t know why everything in my life was not going according to plan, especially since I felt on top of the world in high school. I didn’t know why I kept getting mediocre grades no matter how much I studied or why I felt so left out of the college experience.
I’ve always had an underlying feeling that I had to prove myself in order to be where I am. This feeling intensified even more when the boy who told me he loved me didn’t want to actually date me but kept stringing me along. It seemed the harder I tried to be perfect, the farther I got from myself. My lowest point was when after what felt like the 100th time of getting back together with him (despite my friends’ avid protests), I begged him to tell me how I could be good enough. Overall, my freshman year was the polar opposite of my high expectations.
Shortly after, I discovered Post Male Syndrome. PMS is a blog dedicated to covering topics such as heartbreak, relationships and self-doubt. Although topics on relationships and self-help are the core of the blog, there are also tips on fashion, beauty and wellness. Natasha Adamo, PMS’s founder, provides a fresh perspective on breakups and life issues that is more empowering than your friends’ “you can do so much better.” She writes a lot about how to bounce back and use pain as a motivator to become the best version of you. As described on the website’s About page, “PMS is like a west coast Carrie Bradshaw meets Les Brown, guiding men and women through the inevitable ups and downs of modern dating and modern life in general.”
Her blog guides you through the break-up process with in-depth articles that offer realistic “no BS” advice about friendship, gratitude, forgiveness and self-improvement. My favorite thing about her blog is that she uses her own trial-and-error experiences as a basis for her writing. Instead of playing the peppy cheerleader role, she acknowledges that break ups and traumatic events require a mourning period (and a mountain of tissues piled on your bed). However, her biggest emphasis is on how to change how people look at current and future pain as traumatizing, rather it’s an experience to learn from.
Since Adamo’s parents divorced when she was a child, she found herself in an endless string of unavailable relationships and unsuccessful business ventures. She didn’t know why until she started to reflect inwardly and realized that she was looking for guys and accomplishments for validation, which perpetuated her self-fulfilling prophecy of never being good enough. Once she realized this, she started to address her self-esteem issues and rerouted her thinking. It led to more success in her career, friendships, relationships and overall happiness. Her journey made her want to help others with their pain. This is how PMS was created, and it is #thriving. She is expanding her brand to include self-help courses, videos and books on top of her blog and personal coaching.
I’m not lying when I say PMS was one of my biggest motivators for hopping off the crazy train with my ex. It also made me start addressing the dusty skeletons in my closet that were affecting my happiness. I didn’t even realize why I was doing the things I did until I started reading PMS. I learned that I have a slight (okay, big) tendency to sabotage myself to fulfill the prophecy of not being good enough. I believed to my core that I wasn’t as worthy as everyone else. I chased external sources of validation to decide how I felt about myself.
My ex that I “loved”? My high GPA in high school achieved by running myself into the ground? Being the friend that everyone turns to, without allowing other people to be there for me? Those weren’t healthy habits. I was trying to prove to myself that I was worthy of self-love. Ironically, it never worked. When I reached what I considered “enough,” the bar only raised higher in my mind.
The reason why PMS resonated with me so much is because Adamo’s stories of her past reminded me of myself. Even though I didn’t have the trauma she did, I related to her feelings. It was the same emotions and thoughts I spilled over those late night phone calls with my mom.
I still struggle with these feelings, but I have come a long way. While I’m still not where I want to be in terms of my goals, I am being much more compassionate to myself, which, in turn, has changed my mindset. Instead of stressing constantly, I realize that I am worthy. If I mess up, I can bounce back. While my freshman year may have sucked, I never would’ve grown like I have without those experiences.
If you’re struggling or want some relationship advice, you should definitely check out PMS. It might be exactly what you need.