Let’s get something straight: It’s not that I dislike teamwork, the American spirit or overpriced chicken tenders and fries that are underwhelming at best. It’s just that, for my entire life, I have never been able to find the joy that so many derive from sweaty people throwing or kicking around a round object. If I’m going to be completely honest, I get hyped for football season because of the cute outfits I have an excuse to buy and the photo opportunities with prime lighting. I frequent sports bars for the beer pitchers, cheese fries and overly excited guys. I could waste my Sunday away in front of a television screen pretending I know what I’m watching next to screaming fans and a half-empty chip bowl, but I’d rather be doing, well, really anything else. Here are my reasons why.
The sweaty hugs
Maybe some of you are sports fans for whom nothing quite tops the warm, sticky embrace of a player who just won. The scent of grass mixed with sweat and the faint reminiscent smell of Old Spice might really just be the ideal cologne for your dream man. This probably doesn’t bug most people and is an innocent enough gesture, but if you don’t enjoy the 75-minute-long game you were forced to stand and watch, the hot and heavy hug at the end isn’t exactly a sweet cherry on top.
No matter how many times it’s explained to me, I will never understand it
It’s not that I haven’t tried to get into sports. I have given it a valiant effort. I’ve had plenty of people begrudgingly explain all of the passes and plays of football, basketball, wall ball — any ball, really. It’s not that I am mentally incapable of retaining this information; it’s more of a survival defense against pointless information. Sorry I’m not sorry.
No, I don’t know who that player is
Have you ever noticed how guys suddenly lose respect for you when you don’t know who John Hawkins, the front player for the 1933 Quidditch Football team that made it to the Southeast Regional Championship, is? No, I don’t spend absurd chunks of my life re-watching old games of sports whose players are have since passed away.
It’s dangerous
If you’re a player on the field, you risk obvious physical injury. Sports are aggressive and competitive, and with all of that adrenaline pumping on the field, you have a good chance of rolling, tearing, breaking or dislocating something. If you’re a viewer, you are probably ingesting unreasonable amounts of beer and don’t realize how drunk you are until you stand up to go to the bathroom. We know you’re probably going to damage your liver in college, but do you really want to do that from a mediocre Sunday football game?
You do not do everything “for your team”
Many rappers, the same who believe “ball is life,” claim that they do all of their actions for their team and that all of their successes and accomplishments can be credited to the support of their players who were shooting with them in the gym. Is every rap artist part of some secret sports league we are not informed about? Is Drake the next Lebron James, and that’s why he needs some really big rings? Do their teams have jerseys and national rankings? I don’t know. But you probably don’t spend all day devoting your actions and consequences toward a fictional team, and if you do, maybe you’re friends with Fetty Wap.
The fantasy league
Sometimes someone will tell you that they can’t hang out because “we are playing tonight.” Who is this “we”? Are you seeing another girl? Do you host an intramural sport together? Are you at least winning? Nine times out of 10, they’re talking about a fantasy football league, and yes, that does mean you’ll have to pretend to be sad when their teams inevitably lose.
I’m sure plenty of girls genuinely love the thrill of partaking in and watching sports, but for the rest, save your energy and stop pretending to enjoy it. Along with your overly exaggerated love for bacon, Monty Python and video games, know that it is okay to be a fully functioning female who does not need to ball ‘till she falls.
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