New to long-distance dating? Follow these rules
No relationship is easy. There is no clear-cut rule book on how to succeed in romance. The picture-perfect TV shows and movies we grew up watching give hopeless romantics unrealistic expectations. Afterall, every relationship is different. It takes time, heartbreak and patience to find the right person. But once you do, the puzzle seems complete. Everything falls into place and love finally seems less complicated.
But what happens when you have finally sorted out your emotions, found the right person and feel at peace with your relationship, only to be separated and go off to different colleges?
The long-distance love story is a tale as old as time — especially in the context of college. Whether you’re continuing a high school relationship or entering a new relationship, everything changes once geographical distance is added to the equation. The person you wish were a mere walk or short drive away is suddenly far out of reach. You find yourself spread out across the state — or in some cases the country — and must adapt. The same ease of seeing your partner any day on a whim is now gone. You’re left with periodic visits (which vary depending on the distance between you and your partner) and must restructure your relationship to accommodate being apart.
You may not know what to do at first, and you are practically guaranteed to make mistakes along the way. Based on a combination of personal experience and advice from friends and coworkers, here are five tips to keep in mind when committing to a long-distance relationship.
1. Communicate (it may be easier said than done)
This one sounds obvious, but communication takes practice. When entering a long-distance relationship, you need to establish expectations: How much do you want to text? How often do you want to call? How frequently can one of you visit the other? Once those expectations are established, you need to continue to be honest with each other. If something is troubling you or you need help, don’t be afraid to let your partner know. NPR discussed the need to “just say what you want” when couples across the nation committed to long-distance relationships during the COVID-19 pandemic. This advice applies to college students, too. Hiding your feelings for the sake of avoiding conflict will only build resentment. Take advantage of the fact that you have someone who is there to listen to and take care of you, even if it’s from a distance.
2. Be open-minded
Maybe you’re naturally a flexible, easygoing person. If so — great. If not — that’s OK, too. Sometimes plans change and it’s no one’s fault. Let’s say your partner plans on visiting you for a weekend. Then, something comes up on his/her end (e.g., a class assignment, family conflict, etc.) that prevents them from seeing you. You can express your disappointment and be honest with your partner about how you feel, but don’t let it ruin your weekend. Communicate, adjust your plan and remain positive. Being open-minded is critical to maintaining long-distance relationships because schedule changes and calendar conflicts are inevitable. What matters most is that you value the time you have together, regardless of if that time is spent in-person or through the phone.
3. Make each other a priority
Relationships are a two-way street. Prioritizing one another requires self-awareness and understanding. College provides unlimited opportunities to build new social circles and explore a variety of interests. Don’t give up on achieving your college goals or immersing yourself in different opportunities; however, don’t become to engrossed in your own life that you forget to stay in touch with your partner. As someone who gets distracted and off-track easily, my piece of advice is to eliminate current strings of stress or thought (i.e., studying for a test) when you’re having quality time with your partner. Focus on enjoying your partner’s presence when you have time during the day to talk to him/her. Maintain a proper balance by communicating (once again, refer to tip #1) your wants and needs and listening when your partner does the same.
4. Compromise and make a plan
By reaching a compromise with your partner, I don’t mean you need to throw away all your hopes and dreams and settle. Emphasize what is important to you, allow your partner to do the same and find some common ground. Compromises should exist in every healthy relationship, whether they are long-distance or not. For long-distance relationships, compromise is often required when figuring out plans to visit one another. As you both adjust to your respective college lives, you will start to have other time constraints and obligations to fulfill for college classes, jobs, organizations or other extracurriculars. How often you see each other is dependent on distance, transportation accessibility and scheduling. You have to make a plan. Be transparent about scheduling conflicts and emphasize time commitments that need to be fulfilled before seeing your partner.
5. Take advantage of the digital age
Access to video call, text, phone call and social media platforms is a major advantage for couples maintaining contact from afar. Being separated by computer or phone screens is not the same as seeing each other in person; however, time spent together is better than no time at all. Take advantage of various digital platforms to stay in touch. Find a time that works for you and your partner each day to sit down and call one another. Messaging one another throughout the day is a simple way to stay in contact, but phone calls are more personal. And, as a fan of handwritten letters, I say spice it up and mail each other love letters. Yes, texting and calling is great — but handwritten letters are thoughtful and romantic.
Final thoughts
Long-distance relationships can be difficult. Scratch that — long-distance relationships are difficult. There’s not shortcut to avoid that. The relationship may become more manageable as you adjust (especially if you follow the aforementioned tips), yet the feeling you have when you miss someone never truly leaves. Cherish the moments you have and grow through the challenge together. Maybe long-distance never gets easy, but when you love someone, then every step of the journey is worth it.