“Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?”
“What a time to be alive and single!”
“How it feels to be single after THAT British Vogue article.”
I was hit with these content headlines all over my Instagram feed. Every reel, every story post set with its own stylishly dressed and beaming mid-twenty something, narrative caption and list of hashtags: #trendsetter, #girlweknow, #abouttime … you get the idea.
At this point, after finally reading the British Vogue piece “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?” and dissecting the buzz surrounding it, I’ve found myself gaining a better understanding of our society’s perspective on modern relationships. With this, I also happened to draw a few connections to Olivia Dean’s newest album “The Art of Loving,” where the British singer-songwriter weaves a vivid tapestry of love’s complexity and our community’s transition into a new era of romance.
The timing just couldn’t be more perfect, and this writer has some thoughts.
Why So Embarrassing?
For starters, the article appears to pose as some sort of rage bait, with the title immediately hooking attention and controversy. I decided to take matters into my own hands and discover the real meaning behind this bold headline.
The author of the piece, British Vogue journalist Chante Joseph, addresses the shift in how women are displaying their relationships on social media. Instead of the traditional “hard launch,” the presumed boyfriends are obscured from full view and presented in more subtle details. It appeared as though women are avoiding the public showcase of their male partners and instead revolving their online presences around their individuality.
While many women embraced this cultural shift and felt empowered by their singleness, several were enraged by the so-called “embarrassment factor” in having a boyfriend. Various critics have brought into discussion the select group of “green flag” boyfriends who shouldn’t be deemed embarrassing.
What if my boyfriend is kind, respectful and everything BUT embarrassing?
Now, if this is true for you, congratulations! You are one of the lucky ones. Still, it is out of bounds for the center argument that the author is attempting to relay.
(Read past the title, you guys).
From what I’ve gathered, Joseph illustrates the notion that boyfriends are no longer viewed as a collective prize for women; instead, being single is the prize too. In our day and age, young women strive to establish a brand for themselves, owning their independence and straying away from the historical narrative of men affirming one’s womanhood. The author urges that relationships with men are particularly precarious right now, stating herself that “embarrassment is such a light touch term, but what I’m really trying to get at, where men are societally, where they are politically, education-wise, how they behave, the attitudes we’ve normalized- this cannot run anymore” from her TikTok (@chantayyjayy).
You heard it here, folks. The reason Joseph labels having a boyfriend as “embarrassing” is simply due to the fact that our dating pool SUCKS, and us girls deserve more than below bare minimum respect.
There, I said it.
As we’ve been through situationship upon situationship, and maybe (trigger warning for any guys reading this) a legitimate boyfriend/girlfriend label, our expectations in dating have deteriorated. I think I speak for most women when I say that it is exhausting having to ask a man (scratch that, I mean “boy”) to act right, and it’s even more exhausting when you end up disappointed. At this point, we’re all tired…and journaling, redecorating apartments or chopping off five plus inches of our hair can only get us so far.
(Don’t look at me!)
The Art of Putting Ourselves First
In one of her newer songs “I’ve Seen It,” Olivia Dean sings that “The more you look, the more you find/ It’s all around you, all the time” in reference to love itself. And as I reflect over it more and more, I think that she is 100% right.
Whether it be the best friend who bought you your favorite Starbucks order “just because,” the elderly lady from the store who called you beautiful, or even the sister who is always there for you no matter how questionable your life choices are, love actually is all around us (and if you caught that movie reference, you’re a real one).
The reason that I decided to tie in the masterpiece that is “The Art of Loving” by Olivia Dean is because of how necessary it is to pour love into ourselves right now. Dean expresses how she finds comfort in romanticizing her weekends and taking peaceful distance rather than validating her existence through men. Her song “So Easy (To Fall In Love)” communicates this perspective through fluttery vocals and refreshing lyrics, emphasizing that self-love is essential: a foundation that must be built before delving into any other kind of romantic relationship.
Something to Keep in Mind
While garnering my pre-writing notes app of information, I discovered a Substack piece that I found really interesting. While it seemed to misconstrue the British Vogue author’s intent for her article specifically, it brought up a valid point that can be applied in our independence-driven society. Through social media, we tend to oversimplify things. In this case, I’m referring to the constant display of highlight reels that shape both genders’ perspectives of “perfect love.”
Something to keep in mind: do NOT fall for the crab-in-bucket effect. When people are presented with seemingly perfect couples, it is VERY easy to self-sabotage or even direct resentment towards them. Some pretend that love is cringe, yet what is really cringe is pretending that we’re above wishing for it. We then begin to idealize. When we encounter the complicated and the messy, it’s customary for us to reduce our relationships to transactions (enter in ghosting and a fear of commitment). In reality, love is supposed to be hard, inconvenient and beautifully imperfect.
At the end of the day, we are wired for human connection. Just because we have faced difficulties in the dating world, that does not resolve that we are meant to give up on love entirely.
We just have to raise the bar.
Love is about vulnerability. It’s about choosing to share your messy self with another human and allowing them to choose you back. That’s what makes it REAL.
So I guess I can end with the conclusion that no, having a boyfriend isn’t embarrassing…but lowering your standards most certainly is. Focus on loving yourself first, and good things will follow.
If Olivia Dean taught us The Art of Loving, then I guess it’s safe to say that British Vogue offered us The Art of Not Settling.