A Recipe for Disaster: Roommate Edition

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To create a delicious atmosphere of hostility among your roommates, follow this recipe!

Ingredients:

  • 2 cups of passive aggression

  • 1 bunch of silent treatment

  • 4 subtweets

  • 2 sub-Snapchat stories

  • 1 quart of pettiness

  • 2 tablespoons of uncleanliness

  • 3 teaspoons of pretending that you live alone

  • A dash of revenge

  • Retaliation to taste

Directions:
1. Lay out all the ingredients listed and measure them out. You don’t want to start cooking only to find out you're missing some ingredients. This recipe needs all parts to work properly.

2. Mix uncleanliness, silent treatment, pretending that you live alone in a bowl. Set aside.

3. Set a pot simmering with passive aggression and pettiness to make anger from scratch. If you don’t have a pot that’s big enough, use your roommate’s pot without asking for permission.

4. You’ll want this to get nice and hot. Watch it closely to avoid spillage or boiling over.

5. While the anger concoction is simmering, sit at home taking up all the common space available, like you have for weeks on end.

6. Once the anger starts bubbling, add the mixture of uncleanliness, silent treatment and pretending that you live alone. As this mixture dissolves into the anger, hog the washing machine. Make sure to leave your clothes in the washer and dryer for a few days.

7. Once integrated, you’ll want to mix in the subtweets and sub-Snapchat stories. Add revenge and retaliation to taste. The more you add, the sweeter it’ll be. Pour contents into a pan and bake them for a few hours.

8. While baking all that resentment, invite your friends over without warning your roommate. You’ll want to share the treat with them. Let them stay at all hours of the day and night — who knows when the dish will be ready? Actually, go ahead and invite your parents to stay for a week while you’re at it.

9. You’ll know when the dish is ready. The tension will be tangible, I promise. Take it out of the oven and let it cool. Maybe even foster a dog against your roommate’s wishes while waiting for it to cool.

10. Now you can enjoy your rooming disaster! Make sure to not to do the dishes when all is said and done.  

It’s important to know how to appropriately address problems you might have with your roommate because no living situation is perfect. Sweeping issues under the rug will only cause more pain in the future. You want your home to be tension-free because if you can’t relax in your own apartment at the end of the day, you’ll eventually go insane. So here are some real tips for dealing with conflict:

  • Use the XYZ formula for confrontations. “In situation X, when you do Y, I feel Z.” It’s a way to phrase something in a plain way, rather than making it sound like a criticism.

  • Avoid using “you” statements, as they can sound accusatory, and instead use “I” statements.

  • Remember that you’re probably not a perfect roommate, so try to see your actions as your roommate would interpret them. #GoldenRule

  • As soon as there’s an issue, bring it up politely. The problem can’t be solved if your roommate doesn’t know it exists.

  • Pick your battles. If you’re constantly combating your roommates, eventually they will stop trying to please you. It’s all about compromises and fair treatment.

Even with these communication tips, you could potentially find yourself in a static situation. It takes two people to communicate, and the other person might not be willing to participate. At that point, there is nothing you can do; at least you know you tried. If you’re feeling trapped, try spending as much time as possible away from your apartment. Pick out some cool hangout/study spots, do some yoga and hang out with other friends. Visit the UF Counseling & Wellness Center if you need to unload.

A bad rooming situation is not the end of the world. You’ll move past it, and one day (many, many years later), you might laugh about it. There are always options! Ask for a room change, and I'm sure management will be more than happy to oblige. There’s usually a fee involved, but it’s worth your happiness and sanity. Whatever happens, stay positive, and do the exact opposite of “A Recipe for Disaster.”

Photo Credit: ethosmagazine.org