I’m no relationship expert. Despite my efforts, I’m far from it. I’ve spent most of my life wanting and hoping for a relationship to no avail until very recently.
But in the time I have spent in the wings waiting for my turn, I’ve taken it upon myself to learn from every relationship around me. Some things that always got on my nerves were the relationships that struggled or ended due to a lack of basic communication. I thought “I’d never let that happen,” but how could I be sure? Smart, caring, awesome people struggle with relationship basics all the time.
So, over the past two years, I wrote down everything I saw going south in my friends’ relationships, and how I could prevent them in my own one day. All the solutions boiled down to open and honest questions and answers before things hit the fan. Here’s what I came up with, and so far, they are working great for me:
“What are your expectations in a relationship?”
Most people are looking for some form of love or commitment when looking for a partner, but what does that mean to you? Do you need dates, phone calls, monogamy, sex or to be official on social media? Often one partner expects something that the other does not, especially within normative gender roles. That’s okay. Ultimately figure out if your relationship needs to align, and if not, are you willing to compromise?
“What are your hard boundaries?”
Everyone has them. If you can’t comply, it’s better to talk that out early on. Here are some examples of ones that I know: no talking to your ex, no sharing locations, no divulging private info to friends, no looking through my phone, no political discussion, no yelling at each other and no drugs. These are just a few examples, but by no means work for me or for everyone.
“What do you define as cheating?”
Cheating is a terribly subjective and emotional topic. Is it cheating to buy someone a drink, go to a strip club, like an Insta photo, watch porn, kiss your friends, hang out with your ex or even hook up with someone? Different things work for different relationships. Don’t make the mistake of assuming your partner automatically defines it the same as you do.
“What went wrong in your past relationships, and how do we prevent that?”
Whether or not you or your partner caused issues with previous friends and lovers, it’s important to review what does and doesn’t work so you can learn from it.
“How do you prefer to communicate when something’s bothering you?”
I’m the type of girl who will let you know exactly what bothers me when it happens. A lot of people stop talking at all when they are upset. Know the signs and how your partner likes to be communicated with so you can have productive conversations. And make note of whether you need to talk in person when problems come up or if you are okay talking over text or phone call.
“How do you like to communicate about sex?”
Whether you like to discuss sexual preferences, wants and desires before you get down and dirty, afterward or right in the moment it’s important to understand your partner’s communication style. Though before you get intimate for the first time, it’s always a smart idea to establish enthusiastic verbal consent and clear boundaries so you have a smooth sexual encounter.
Each of these questions leaves way for a lot of sub-category questions, which I encourage you to explore. It might feel awkward or weird to ask your partner all these interview-esque questions, but I sat down for over an hour to have this conversation and it was fun, reassuring and worth the time.
If someone cares for you, they’ll want to be on the same page. Plus, there’s no pressure to do it all in one go! It doesn’t have to be formal at all, but it’s worth it to take a little time to save you a lot of stress in the long run.