One of my friends once stared at his phone like it was a timed exam. The girl he liked texted him back almost immediately, and he was clearly excited. Still, he said, “Ok, I can’t answer yet.”
I asked why. He told me he had to wait at least an hour so he wouldn’t seem too eager.
So he set his phone face down, even though we both knew he wanted to respond right away. The whole thing felt ridiculous. He was excited, and instead of enjoying that, he was strategizing indifference. Somehow, we have turned genuine interest into something embarrassing — as if caring too quickly makes you less valuable.
Culture keeps selling the idea that we should care, but casually. Text back, just not too fast. Be supportive, just not over the top. In friendships and relationships, that kind of restraint quietly dulls things. When excitement is toned down or encouragement is delayed, the connection feels less warm. Instead of feeling fully celebrated, people feel slightly held at arm’s length. Real friendship feels lighter and easier when care is obvious.
I once made a bold leap and merged people from different parts of my life. Before that, they were each some of my closest friends individually, which is why I jokingly called them “Alannah’s Favorites.” When I brought the six of us together, I did not know if it would feel natural or forced.Â
This group quickly became close, and that closeness can largely be attributed to how safe the space feels. No one is trying to be cool. No one is toning themselves down. We are loud about how we love, honest about what we are struggling with and quick to celebrate one another. The chalance — the open excitement, the obvious care, the complete lack of judgment — makes it easy to be exactly who you are.
That same idea carries into romantic relationships. A nonchalant man is exhausting. When interest is unclear, when replies are calculated, when affection feels rationed, you are left decoding instead of enjoying.
A man who seems unenthusiastic, who acts like he could take or leave you, is not mysterious. He’s disengaged. There is nothing attractive about feeling optional. Steady, obvious interest is not desperate — it is reassuring. The right kind of man is not afraid to be clear, expressive and a little excited about you.
Choose chalance. Text back when you want to. Celebrate your friends without toning it down. Be clear instead of calculated.
Chalance creates safer spaces because it removes the guessing and makes care undeniable. It tells people they matter without making them decode it. When enthusiasm is normalized, it welcomes authentic people who are not afraid of depth.