When I left for college, it didn’t hit me at first that doing long distance with my boyfriend might be more difficult than I thought. “Nothing could change us,” I thought with heart eyes under a veil of optimistic naivety.
Since we were 17 years old, my boyfriend and I have done everything together. We’re that gross, terribly in-love couple that can’t get enough of each other. I’ve been told by friends that if we ever broke up, they’d be convinced love doesn’t exist, and honestly, I’d agree with them!
When I transferred to UF at 19, moving five hours away after spending the past two years seeing each other every day, it was a big change. And then, about five months later, my boyfriend left for the Air Force, causing there to literally be a thousand miles between us (994 to be exact). Thus, earning him the official title: military boyfriend.
Leaving your partner for a long-distance relationship can be really hard. You guys could be the perfect couple; always communicating, rarely fighting, constantly cracking jokes and then suddenly, there’s a disruption in the routine. Being away from each other and still trying to make your relationship work can bring out the not-so-pretty parts of yourself. Navigating my new relationship was hard initially, but I’ve learned ways to cope and make the best of my situation.
And if you are about to be in this situation, I am in no way trying to scare you. Trust me, if you’re with the right person, everything will fall into place.
Now that my boyfriend and I are going on a year of long-distance dating, I feel qualified to share some tips that I have gathered. Honestly, I wish I could have learned some of these the easy way (like through a Her Campus article maybe….)
Advice
- Discuss expectations and boundaries BEFORE you part ways.
If you are anything like my boyfriend and I, y’all are/were together 24/7. Obviously, we had expectations and boundaries set when we were physically together, but I realized how we treated each other relied on unspoken rules more than I thought.
It wasn’t like our communication ever lacked. If I wanted to go out without him, it wasn’t weird because we spent so much time together. If I was in a bad mood that day, he could physically see that and change his behavior to make me feel better.
Being so far apart meant we didn’t have those advantages anymore. Everything we could possibly know about each other’s lives transpired via phone conversation. When you’re communicating over text or on the phone, it can be harder to express your true feelings and things can be misinterpreted easily.
To avoid confusion and frustration caused by your new primary form of communication, have a sit-down talk with your partner about things you anticipate to happen when you guys are apart. Bring up topics like your workload/how often you will be in class or doing homework. Talk about how they feel about you partying or drinking without them. Talk about how you plan to spend your free time.
This should be an honest conversation so that when new experiences do arise, you’re not thinking, “Hmm what would my partner think about me doing this?” which can lead to unnecessary (or sometimes necessary) guilt.
- Have a good ratio of time devoted to each other and time apart.
When in a long-distance relationship (or any relationship), there is no use in feeling like you have to keep tabs on your partner. Although it may seem harmless, needing to know your partner’s every move is a sign of distrust and will cause a rift in the relationship.
You should be with someone you can fully trust, and so, trust that when your partner is going out, they keep your relationship in mind. Don’t accuse them of doing something wrong if they have never given you any cause for concern in the past.
That being said, if your partner is starting to be reallyyy sketch with their whereabouts, that may not be a good sign. If you think your partner might be lying about where they are or who they’re with, you should definitely bring that up. But otherwise, let your partner have their space and they’ll give you yours.
Even though you will need your space to be independent, don’t forget to devote time to each other and continue to build your relationship. Find time to call and catch up at the end of the day and stay as involved in their life as you can. Even though you are far, make your partner still feel like your love for them extends any distance.
It’s also fun to send letters and gifts sometimes. This is something my man and I did when he went to basic military training for the Air Force, but we’re trying to continue the tradition even now.
- Bring up issues right away instead of sitting on them.
This is something my boyfriend and I had to learn the hard way. Back home it was easier to work out problems. If something was bugging one of us it wasn’t easy to hide it when we saw each other every day.
If your only source of communication is to talk to your partner over text or phone call, it might be hard to clock when something you are doing is making them uncomfortable or vice versa. Don’t wait until you end up in a fight over issues that have been accumulating for months.
When your long-distance partner is doing something that makes you lose sleep, don’t just sit on it and hope it goes away. Have a real Face(time)-to-Face(time) conversation with them and talk about how you are feeling.
Final Thoughts
Miscommunication is the #1 issue plaguing long-distance relationships. (Then of course there’s a lack of intimacy and physical touch, but I suppose that’s a topic for another day.)
If there is one thing I suggest you take away from this: just talk to them. Talk to them and be honest. Being 99.9% honest with my man throughout our entire relationship is what I can say has made us stay together for this long.
(Note to my bf reading: don’t worry about the 0.01% babe, I really don’t mind when you want to choose the music in the car. Really, I don’t. Really.)
If you will be starting that long-distance relationship soon, or maybe you’re one of our brave soldiers already in one, I wish you the best and remember it doesn’t last forever. If you guys can get through this, I’m sure you can get through anything. <3