I’m not a person who enjoys being called out by a post on social media. However, if the shoe fits, I guess I have to wear it. In this case, it was a TikTok: “So your love language is acts of service? Tell me you could only depend on yourself as a child without telling me you could only depend on yourself as a child.” Was it a slap in the face? Unfortunately. But did it make me realize something? Of course. Love languages stem from your childhood, whether you want to accept it or not. I mean, think about it. Have you ever wondered why you enjoy giving gifts to a significant other more than you enjoy having to be touchy with them? Are you someone who enjoys hearing verbal reassurance from your significant other rather than them taking time to help you with a chore you’ve been postponing?
Chances are that your love language may be different than your significant other’s. “How do I know what my love language is anyway?” one might ask. Simple: It all is determined, believe it or not, by a detailed quiz constructed by Dr. Gary Chapman.
The five love languages at a glance
It’s no secret that lasting relationships take intentional commitment over time. However, it is much harder or even impossible if we as individuals don’t understand each other. According to Dr. Gary Chapman, relationships grow better when we understand each other. With this reasoning in mind, he authored a book called The Five Love Languages. In his book, Dr. Chapman holds the concept that every person has a different love language or way of giving and receiving love. These are words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, physical touch and giving/receiving gifts.
- Words of affirmation
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Dr. Chapman explains that words of affirmation are the expression of love through verbal communication that is supportive, encouraging, appreciative and affirmative. These can also be shown in written messages such as love notes, love letters, etc. If someone is drawn to words of affirmation as their love language, marriage and family therapist Michele DeMarco tells mbg, it’s because they believe words really matter and help them give a literal voice to how they feel inside. Some examples of giving words of affirmations are “I love you,” “I’m proud of you because…” and even “Thank you for making me feel safe and loved.”
- Acts of Service
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The love language of acts of service can simply be described as the act of being selfless. It is the non-verbal form of love that can be time-consuming and exhausting, but if it’s what your partner needs, then it’s worth the effort. Neurobiologists also found out that selfless acts activate the reward centers of the brain. An example of performing an act of service would be cleaning the car for your partner.
- Quality time
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Being in the same place doesn’t frame quality time. Dr. Chapman believes that there must be a connection with each other; otherwise, it can leave a feeling of being alone and empty. People whose love language is quality time feel most loved, cherished and prioritized when they spend meaningful time with their loved ones. It is the love language that centers on togetherness. An example of quality time would be sitting on the couch and talking face to face instead of being together and watching TV.
- Physical touch
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Physical touch is the non-verbal love language that focuses more on intimacy. Since this love language is physical in nature, some people tend to think it’s simply about satisfying sensual needs, but desiring physical touch is usually more than sex and sensual needs. Studies have shown that by touching, we have the ability to send and receive emotional signals from other people as well as communicate many positive emotions. Hence, we can say that there are really proven physiological benefits of physical touch.
- Giving/receiving gifts
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Showing affection through gift-giving is the most common among all the love languages. According to Dr. Chapman, this love language is not about the items that you give. Instead, it’s about showing them the effort and proving that you are thinking of them and that you listen and care for them. A person who feels loved through these items might cherish the gift, however small, more than another who speaks a different love language. Every time they see it, it will serve as a reminder that they are loved.
The misconception of love languages
Understanding one’s love language is not only healthy, but also really helpful. However, with each love language, there are many instances in which they have been slightly misinterpreted.
For instance, the love language quiz isn’t meant to be taken as a personality quiz for you or your partner. In a recent Vice story about how the love language theory got so popular, for example, the author used zodiac terminology to talk about her love language, identifying herself as “an ‘acts of service,’ with a ‘words of affirmation’ rising.” Although the language is progressive, it is a completely different approach from what the author intended readers to gain from his theory. Chapman’s love language theory is urging individuals to learn other people’s love languages and modifying one’s own behavior accordingly instead of having someone simply “identify” as it; determining your love language isn’t just to find a partner with the same one or to request that others learn to “speak” it.
The love language that best suits you is what allows your partner to get a better understanding of how to love you in a way that’s comfortable for you, and vise versa. Love languages between a couple are expected to be different; however, they help individuals create deeper connections with their partner that can last a lifetime.