Listen up, freshies – grandma has something to say.Â
As a certified old lady (I’m 22), I’ve been around the block. I’ve been to every frat and done every relationship, situationship, booty call or whatever the hell we are calling it these days. My bones creak from the kegstands, and my hair is gray from all the weeknights I spent out until wee hours of the morning.
And from my lifetime at the University of Florida — go Gators — my fellow senior citizens and I have learned a thing or two. So I put together a list of advice from the most salacious seniors on campus to help you youngins navigate the new world of sex and relationships in university.
- Don’t fake an O. Men need to be humbled.
- Get a NightCap drink cover! Roofies are so real, this can save your life.
- If no one’s approaching you at bars, don’t stress — it’s not just you. Even the hottest girls feel invisible sometimes. It’s a generational thing, not a you thing!
- You are 19, you’re not marrying that boy — don’t let him ruin your life.
- Get STD tested and make it an outing with your girls!
- Sometimes frat men take pics of naked girls, without consent, to send in group chats. It is illegal, but they often get away with it. Be on your guard.
- Don’t hook up with your roommates.
- Also, don’t hook up with your sports teammates.
- Never be the girl who is only friends with her significant other. This does not play out well.
- If your family and friends don’t like your relationship, trust them.
- Hookup culture is soul-crushing — go touch some grass instead.
- Ladies who like ladies: beware the freshman lesbian U-Haul. The queer community is tiny — pace yourself or it gets messy fast.
- When you first hook up with someone, take them to your place, and establish a secret code with your roommates so they can fake an emergency if things get weird.
- Have a sex talk with your roommates and establish ground rules. One magical night isn’t worth a year of roommate animosity.
- Get a vibrator — like now.
- Don’t stop wearing condoms just because he pinky promises he’s loyal.
- It’s okay to have vanilla sex!
- Try going into sex without expectations. Social media and porn have distorted society’s perception of sex — if it’s not all rainbows and sunshine, that’s normal.
- Have fun and experiment with foreplay!
- Don’t feel pressured to “lose it.” More people are virgins than you think, and your timeline is yours.
- If you’re ready, horny and comfortable, a respectful hookup can be great. Just don’t do it for someone else — you’ll regret it.
- You have to communicate your needs! Every woman is different — partners aren’t mind readers.
- Only be with someone if they want to grow with you — never let yourself stop growing.
- If you go to college in a long-distance relationship, it will expose flaws in your communication skills. It will be hard. Don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t work out.
- It isn’t worth it to hate the other woman — hate the loser who cheated on you.
- Emergency contraceptives like Plan B are usually cheap at the student healthcare center. Buy one and keep it handy just in case.
- Everyone moves at their own pace, so don’t compare your relationship or sex life to someone else’s.
- Even if everyone around you is in a relationship or pursuing people, don’t feel bad if you’re a single pringle. We all have our own path.
- Prioritize platonic friendships over romantic relationships! College flies by, and the last thing you want to do is waste time on a shitty guy who will probably give you and 10 other girls chlamydia.
I think that might be a good note to end on, ladies. I hope you enjoyed the finest advice the seniors at UF have to offer. I hope you take this advice, but if you don’t, no sweat, how do you think we learned what not to do?!