We’ve all heard it. My grandma used to say it to me all the time–be a lady. What they never really explained to me was what it all actually meant. How was one supposed to “be a lady?” I’m aware of the general things, like looking neat and put-together and being well-mannered, but as I got older, more rules seemed to be tacked onto the list: the man should always pay for the first date. You must never “put out” so easily. This will make you a “dirty girl.” You must be feminine. There is a fine line between sweetly tomboyish and “butch.” All of these were things I had heard and still continue to hear now. Yet, these same things occur for boys, too. Why is there any such a thing as being too feminine or too masculine?
On my first date with my current boyfriend, I paid for dinner. Our second date was at Panera Bread, making it much more casual and definitely cheaper than our first date at a rustic, downtown restaurant with a band. Nonetheless, this time, he paid the tab. When I told my dad about it, even said with disdain, that “the boy should always pay for the girl.” This is still a concept I neither understand, nor abide by. I still buy dinner fairly often, and so does he. I also head to the gym every single day, while he prefers to relax at home. And, for some reason, even this is weird for some. According to my ultra-traditional grandma, women shouldn’t be muscular. By working out not for the purpose of remaining thin, but for the purposes of being strong, I risk “emasculating” my boyfriend. Says who? Why are appearances so specific? Why are Birkenstocks “gross” and flannels “butch” because they aren’t “feminine enough,” for girls, while some guys are judged for being too thin, and others judged for having “too much muscle?”
The concept of gender roles is not a new one, and regardless if we abide by them or not, they are still prevalent, whether it is underlying or front-and-center. Women are always looked down upon for enjoying sex, or having multiple partners. But what about for men? Is there a limit to the number of sexual partners that a man should have before he is deemed “trashy?” Will “putting out” on the first date be seen as shameful and dirty if you are a man? By no means am I implying that women are the only ones affected by gender normativity. In fact, this concept is detrimental to all of us. The idea that women should be held to one standard and men to another prevents us from branching out, and doing new things. In my family, my mom typically cooks a lot more. On the flip side, my dad cleans and vacuums. In my current relationship, I can attest that I cook nothing, not even a hard-boiled egg. In fact, my boyfriend is the chef, with sole custody of our pressure cooker in his apartment.
While I still let boys hold the door open for me, and buying new outfits and looking pretty is not something I ever feel bad about, I do feel negatively about the fact that these things are viewed as necessary, as opposed to optional. Men and women alike should never feel pressured to do as gender roles suggest we should, but rather, we should do those things because we want to. Collegiettes, wear your Birkenstocks proudly, and be whatever type of person you would like to be. To hell with gender roles.
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