I’ve been around the block a couple of times. It’s bittersweet, but I’ve experienced manipulative friendships, draining friendships, exploitative friendships, neglectful friendships, and irresponsible friendships. No matter how we phrase them, we know they’re all toxic. Often, the only way you realise someone’s true colours is after the drama has subsided; you’ve gone through the hurricane, and you’re on the other side now. Red flags of a toxic friendship don’t really seem red at all in the moment. With rose-tinted glasses, every red flag just appears to be a flag.
The consequences of toxic friendships I’ve endured (and needed hefty scissors to sever), have ranged from simply no longer having that extra friend on Facebook, to needing to alert authorities because of abusive behaviour. Breakups with friends can hurt more than a romantic relationship and having to report someone who was once dear to you, can be an emotionally conflicting and extremely difficult process to follow.
Having experienced the vast spectrum of toxic friendships, here are some difficult red flags I wish I knew about years ago. You may have to take off those rosy shades for this article, and if you’re looking for a sign to end your friendship – this is it.
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- Red Flag #1: Isolation
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This red flag shows itself in many forms. However, it all stems from the selfish idea that you exist purely for their use and their use only. There is a denial that you are a full, independent human being that has a life outside of the friendship. This flag may present itself as your friend selfishly demanding hang to out with them even when you have plans. You’re constantly asked to drop everything because they are in a sticky situation and need your help. This demanding behaviour is also never reciprocated – when you need them; they’re conveniently not available and won’t budge to make room for you. This friend may constantly bash, insult, and degrade your family, other close friends, or your significant other to try keep you isolated.
If you’re finding yourself isolated with one ‘friend’, other friendships in ruins, and a lack of independence emotionally and socially: snip, snip.
- Red Flag #2: Subtle Competitiveness
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This red glad is the Trauma Olympics, the Academic Race, or the Lifestyle of the Year Award. You may know this red flag is in your friendship when you leave a friend-date, you feel absolutely knackered. Why? Because you spent your entire time together subconsciously trying to win an imaginary trophy of whose better or worse. You’re broke? No, they’re more broke. You’re in a happy relationship? Well they’ve been dating their significant other for a longer time. You got a great mark on your essay? Well, they did it in record time. Your friend has a consistent bad habit of not celebrating your victories with you or changing the topic when you point out a new happiness in your life (even when you constantly support them). It’s in the backhanded compliments, in the jokes about your insecurities, in the insults to your intelligence. You’re always made to feel like the ‘bad guy’ in your friendship.
Friendships are based on support and love. If there is neither support in times when you need/want it, nor interactions and conversations soaked in love: snip, snip.
- Red Flag #3: Superiority Complexes
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Friendships may begin because you need help and support, leading to you naturally reaching out to someone with more experience, wisdom, and leadership. These often begin in the lecture hall, in the work place, or in a religious community. If so, well done to you for asking for help! That’s a wise and healthy step! These friendships can blossom from kind and guided mentorship to friendships based on support and understanding. But sometimes, people take advantage of the fact that you’re a ‘step behind’ them or in a more vulnerable space. They see an opportunity to completely dominate over you, playing puppet and puppet-master. They find joy in seeing their advice come to life, even if they’re not qualified to give it. This is based on the idea that they are wholly superior to you and it’s disguised in a “I-just-want-the-best-for-you” kindness. When you have a sense of independence, knowledge, or growth; your ‘friend’ sees this as an insult to them or as you making reckless decisions, even if it’s not.
If your ‘friend’ is poking their head in places they shouldn’t be or getting mad that you’re progressing in life without your hand in theirs: snip, snip.
Although it may be anxiety-provoking and heart-wrenching to breakup with a friend or to have a tough conversations about toxic behaviour; it’s nothing compared to broken pieces of your life you may need to pick up once a toxic friend walks in and destroys life-lines, other friendships, or your idea of yourself. As amazing as the whirlwind of new friendships can be, be vigilant and keep those glasses glossy-clear.