To date, or not to date trans people, and when is it transphobic – that is the question. This is a question which people seem to like using to identify and cancel transphobic people. But is it really that simple? I don’t think people realize how privileged one must be to ask such a question because more often than not, it’s never a trans person asking the question. It’s a cis-heterosexual person asking their friends “would you date a trans person?” as though it would be so scandalous and outrageous for them to say “yes”. This is the real reason people ask. They want to incite conflict, they want to argue and debate, and they want to make you feel awful and mad, but honestly, there is no correct answer depending on whom you’re speaking with. They will either shame you for being interested in trans people because they think it’s unnatural or they will cancel you for being transphobic because they’re a “dedicated ally”. The question itself is problematic, but since I can’t control people’s minds lets dive into when the answer is transphobic.
It is not as black and white as people make it seem. You are not automatically transphobic for that you wouldn’t date a trans person. We don’t find every single person we see attractive. If we did, the whole world would be queer and the people of this world are definitely not ready for that. We do have preferences, but sometimes people seem to forget that there is a difference between having preferences and being discriminatory. And that is exactly how you can tell the difference between someone being transphobic and someone just having preferences. Ultimately, if your preference has anything to do with the fact that a person is trans, i.e., if the reason you do not see yourself dating a trans person is simply because they are trans, then it is transphobic.
Asking the question “would you date a trans person?” and saying “I don’t see myself dating a trans person” or anything along those lines suggests that you can tell when a person is transgender, which is not always the case. Just like we aren’t attracted to every person we see, we also have no control over who we find attractive and there are some very attractive trans people out there. You may have already “checked out” a trans person without even knowing it and guess what? It didn’t affect your life in any way. So, why does knowing a person is trans automatically make them undesirable? Its transphobic – Trans men are men and trans women are women, period.
If you evaluate the reasons why you wouldn’t date a trans person, I’m sure you’ll find that quite a few of those reasons are indeed transphobic. This is because a lot of the transphobic preferences people have are not even their fault. Transphobia has been taught to people from a very young age by their families, friends, society, social media, TV, etc. many people are transphobic without even knowing it, they are not doing it to be malicious – they simply don’t understand. Most have never even met a trans person before, they don’t know what it means to be transgender or they didn’t grow up in a time or place where LGBTQ+ topics were spoken about (in positive ways). Calling such a person transphobic and making them feel like they are doing something wrong will only make them more close-minded and unwilling to learn. Their once “innocent” transphobic mistakes will become intentional, active transphobia.
I’d love to say that people should be more aware nowadays because they have more access to information, but arrogance is still, and will always be bliss. All I can do is hope that people do better in future because it feels like for every step forward someone takes us three steps back. For example, people defined new sexualities for the sole purpose of excluding trans and gender diverse people after a TikTok creator called himself super-straight. He defined this as only being attracted to “real women” and that “trans women are not real women”. Others than started calling themselves super-gay, super-lesbian, super-bisexual, etc. It’s giving disrespect and it’s giving privilege. It seems that many LGBTQ+ people have forgotten all that the trans community has done for their rights.
How is defining new sexualities with the purpose of excluding trans people (simply, because they are trans) not transphobic? I’ll say it again, trans men are men and trans women are women, period. To suggest anything otherwise is transphobic. If you don’t want to date trans people, that okay, but don’t be transphobic about it. don’t act like all trans people are forcing you date them and calling you transphobic if you don’t. You are not a victim here. Trans people do not need to disclose anything. They are not the ones hiding, your transphobia is the only thing creeping about. If you don’t think you’re transphobic then why is dating trans people an issue? Is it a preference or is it transphobic?