I Got an IUD Shoved Into My Uterus

I was over buying expensive condoms on a student’s budget. I was sick and tired of the hormones being pumped into my body through the pill. I was throwing up, nauseous, got depression, and my boobs grew twice it’s size. The girls were sensitive, swollen, stretched, and I was in a downward spiral of hopelessness. I was at my wit's end and there was no solution in sight. Honestly, in the modern day and age, what else is left? 

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My first impression of an IUD was probably in grade 8 when they start teaching you contraceptive methods in Biology. It seemed like some old-fashioned device that didn’t even work. I mean, it’s some T-shaped bar that’s placed in your uterus. How could it possibly stop you from falling pregnant?

Well, sit down guys and gals, I’m going to teach you a thing! An IUD is an intrauterine device. It is a small, plastic, T-shaped bar that is wrapped in copper and is inserted into your uterus to prevent you from falling pregnant. Granted, you can get one that releases hormones but, if you react horribly to anything foreign being released into your body like the pill does, then a copper IUD is for you! The IUD has plastic strings on the end that hang through your cervix and into the vagina just in case you want it removed. Don’t worry it’s not long and visible from the outside nor will your partner feel anything during sex. The copper IUD can stay in place for up to 10 years and is highly effective in preventing pregnancy. But why copper exactly? Copper is toxic to sperm. The copper makes the uterus and fallopian tubes produce fluid that kills all sperm released into the vagina.

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Now IUD is actually a brilliant choice for “young, dumb, and broke” students. Not only do you never have to remember to take it at a certain time (because it just sits inside of you for ten years, duh), but it also only costs around R300 to get done. Marie Stropes offers this service and is a wonderful organisation that provides sexual and reproductive services to men and womxn, such as safe abortions and contraceptives. R300 is a small price to pay over the course of a worry-free ten years. However, it’s important to remember our little copper friend can’t prevent STIs so condoms may still need to be used!

My experience was incredibly quick and, to be truthful, painful. Marie Stropes is full of wonderful and trained professionals who have heard and seen it all. No shame is involved in their work. I brought my best friend along who comforted me by saying that they see tons of vaginas every day so I need not be worried about spreading my legs for the nurse. 

After a thorough consultation, where they ask you questions and explain the procedure, teach you about the contraceptive itself, and go through the after-care, you go into a room when you lie on your back and your legs get hoisted in the sky. My nerves at this point were through the roof. Also note that if you’ve never had kids, you need to be on your period to even get the okay for the insertion to be done. If you’ve never had children, your cervix is still tight and, therefore, your “moon time” will help dilate your cervix and make it less painful. But let me not lie, it’s still pretty f*cking painful. 

First, they open up your cervix with some tool that basically cranks that baby wide open. First squeal. Secondly, they have to measure your womb to see if it’s the right size for the IUD to work. Therefore, they literally move a tool into your womb and just stop once they hit the end of it. Second squeal and the first curse word. 

Then I just started freaking out, swearing, and losing my mind so the smart nurse got the point to hurry up and not tell me what she was doing in my most intimate of intimate areas and just easily popped in the IUD without a sweat! She ended the whole procedure with a comforting “good girl!” In any other circumstance that would be patronising as hell, but damn, I needed that. 

The whole show was over in under ten minutes and then I was good to go! From the adrenalin and pain, I was high as a kite for a little while and incredibly loopy. So, if you decide to get the insertion done, I would recommend booking yourself off for the rest of the day and give yourself time to heal. Marie Stropes also provides you with a course of antibiotics for safety measures and some painkillers to ease yourself over the next couple of days. The cramps stick around for about 48 hours and come and go after the initial 48 hours pass. As the days go on though, the cramps become less random and less frequent. Unless your period is about to come up again, which also might be a bit abnormal for the first couple of months apparently. The cramps are intense, like a dull, thumping, hard-hitting ache. It’s horrid and doesn’t go away quickly, so keep lots of Nurofen with you at all times.

It’s been a month and I couldn’t be happier with my decision. The cramps have been bad, but the worry-free life is so good. Remember to listen to the nurses when it comes to after-care and all the necessary warnings. Protect ya cooch and take ownership of your sexual life!

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