Beauty is Pain

Dear all girls with low self-esteem, 
I have a story that is sure to help you out! Here it goes: An average sized girl goes into Abercrombie to get a new flannel she's been dying to have but when she goes to try it on she quickly realizes that the clothes are made about three sizes smaller than normal. Talk about a self-esteem booster right there; having to go up a few sizes…what girl doesn’t hope for this? It's obviously just a sign that you're getting on the overweight side, don't you think? You should probably start hitting the gym.  Or better yet, take some dieting pills, there's a high chance you can get a disease or become deathly sick but being skinny is worth the risk. No wait I got it! Just become bulimic, easiest way to lose those pesky pounds while eating whatever your pretty little heart desires. You don't have to tell anyone, it can be our little secret, but they'll beg to find out once you look like the next Victoria’s Secret angel. When do you know enough is enough? Well according to all the big celebs out there, when your bones start to show and you've lost most of your curves you have finally hit, what is considered today, the icon of femininity. 
So now that you have a rockin' bod, you have to have a beautiful face like Angelina Jolie to match. But we all know there's no such thing as natural beauty and perfect faces are completely unobtainable without a master Photo Shopper at hand.  So to what extent will you go to make sure heads turn as you walk into class on the first day of school? Do you have acne that makes you want to put a bag over your head? Quick fix. Go buy some makeup or better yet buy some paint, same result and much cheaper. About $200 and 5 coats later you're good as new. Or maybe your whole face is just a result of an unlucky set of genes and you hate your parents every day for making you an ugly little child.  Well thankfully there's a solution to that too!  Two words...plastic surgery! They'll make you gorgeous, you can pick whatever nose, lips, or cheekbones you would like.  It's like shoe shopping!  You just can’t go wrong, the pros obviously outweigh even the dangerous negatives such as:  blood clots, and possibly death, but beauty is pain.
P.S. it's also kind of pricey so you might need to drop you're no good boyfriend that works at Wal-Mart for a man with some money. The best part is that once he pays for that pretty little face of yours, while throwing in some Botox, just say "it's not working out" and find yourself your own Dave Franco. But keep in mind that a 6-pack, v-line and that sparkling white smile wasn’t a piece of cake either and girls aren’t the only ones with the pressure to be picture perfect. Just remember that broken-out, ugly girl that couldn't fit into the Abercrombie flannel is now the hot girl that every man desires. See simple isn't it?  If you just remember that natural beauty doesn’t exist and that you should do whatever is necessary to be considered “beautiful” in this harsh and judgmental society. Follow this plan and you are set up for success. 
With love,
p.s. this is pure sarcasm…