Recently, things have been rough. I’ve had to deal with issues with friends, stress, overall dissatisfaction, and getting sick back to back—as in literally getting sick the day after recovering another sickness.
So life basically.
I’ve been racking my brain for article ideas, hoping that maybe I would write one about being about to fight adversity through positivity and how growth isn’t linear, but that’s not where I’m at. I’m tired. Emotionally, physically, metaphorically, in just all the ways. My motivation is at an all time low and I feel like I’m on autopilot. I feel completely out of character. My mind has a tendency to get a little dark on me—which is completely fine. It just means I need to be more gentle with myself and I’m completely fine with that. I just think that all the empathy I store for myself has depleted along with all my positivity. I’m being pulled in too many directions to allot myself that kindness that I know I fully and unequivocally deserve. I’ve just burned my candle on both ends.
The hardest part to come to terms with is I like to be busy. I thrive when I have things to do. I get restless if I can’t challenge myself. But I feel that I’ve spread myself too thin. This is where I start to isolate what I enjoy doing to focus on the tasks that I’m forced to do and bring me no satisfaction. I can feel myself using all the energy I have left to hold what I enjoy closest to me. Almost like a lifeline. I have a tendency to close myself off from everything and it’s a different mentality when you live with roommates and can’t close yourself off when your energy impacts those around you. I walk on eggshells around myself and try to not let my darkness cloud others’ skies.
One thing I keep thinking about is that I know I’m going to come out the other end of the tunnel but when you’re in the tunnel it’s so hard to see the light at the end of it. I try to be a positive person and I’ve kept that mentality throughout the year but my positivity has burned out and now I’m just going through the motions. I wish so desperately that this article had a turn around point but I cannot bring myself to do it. I think I’m just too tired to think positively. I’m just too burnt out to think positively. Sadly, I don’t think I will feel better until my workload lightens up and I have less on my plate.
I wish I could hit pause on life. I wish I had time to recharge. I know that that’s probably not a healthy mindset and it’s important to take breaks but how can I? I feel like I don’t have that luxury. Deadlines. Time. Life. It all just comes at you so quickly and yet not quick enough. I keep thinking about better days that are upon the horizon but what do I do when things get hard again?
I know things will get better. I know that it’ll all be better soon and I just gotta stick it through but everything is so much easier said than done. I just don’t have the energy for that right now; those statements that used to be reassuring do nothing for me at the moment. I’m sure that I will be able to look back and not even remember how overwhelmed things had become for me. That’s what I’m waiting for: some time to get over the hump.
The one positive from this article that I can leave you with is that if you feel even remotely similar to the way I do, just know that you are not alone. It takes me to express vulnerability but I think I’m at a point where I can try to convey my feelings in words which is easier said than done. If you find solace in knowing that you’re not alone in your sinking feeling then I hope I was able to provide that. If you can relate, I’m sorry and I hope things turn up for you for us.