for as long as i can remember, i’ve written new year’s resolutions. i was so eager to set goals for myself in order to become the woman i wanted to be so badly—the kind of girl with clear skin and nice teeth, the kind of girl who gets really good grades and reads all the time. every year though, i’d fall short of my resolutions. this never deterred me and at the end of every year, despite my failed attempts, i’d make a new list (sometimes reusing old resolutions). i’ve culminated a list of these resolutions from the years 2011-2016, for me to review as a 21-year-old. i want to know how my feelings have changed about these resolutions, have they come true, do i feel sad about any of them, did i make any life-changing predictions?
overall, reflecting on these resolutions has made me really emotional. some are endearing, some incredibly embarrassing, some make me feel sad for little ashti. i was so painfully uncomfortable in my skin, and it came out in my new year’s resolutions and all my other diary entries. i wish i could tell little ashti that she didn’t need to put such rigid standards on herself. she could live just as she was, and that would’ve been okay.
little ashti’s new year’s resolutions:
- make my bed every morning.
- oh GURL. you have no idea. my morning does not feel complete unless my bed is made & i will stand by that forever.
- wear nail polish 90% of the time
- i understand that this was so important to me at the time, but now it just makes me laugh. like why was this so important to me????
- be nicer
- reading past diary entries, i had a really hard time conceptualizing i was a good, worthy person, and i really wish that i understood being nicer included being nicer to myself.
- value my friendships
- little ashti is spitting some FACTS.
- i hope the people i love know i love them.
- look presentable at all times
- i like, want to laugh at myself. but looking presentable is something that makes me feel good and productive, so despite the implications that little ashti meant about this, big ashti approves.
- drink more water
- u know what, i’m glad you said that little ashti. brb, chugging some water rn.
- complete [the book i had been writing for the past year] for myself.
- i just had to go deep into the archives of my google drive to find this book, and i’m proud to say, yes, we finished that book! i’ve written & completed two other books at this point, and am just starting to write a new one. i am proud that despite copious amounts of writer’s block, i continued to write.
- keep your grades up kid!
- i really had my priorities straight huh. i suppose they are good. good for us i guess.
- keep in touch with jackie
- <3 warms my soul that i placed so much emphasis on maintaining a relationship with my childhood best friend. we are still best friends, and i think i have little ashti to thank for that.
- clear your skin!!!!
- peace & love babes, you were ruining your skin moisture barrier and i wish i could transplant what i know now about skincare to you. you’ll be happy to know that yes, for the most part your skin is clear.
dear little ashti, i’m taking care of us. you are everything you wanted to be & more. i’m going to make you proud. i love you.