Winning a Staring Contest in Spain

To complicate my life further (something my subconscious self is wonderful at), I decided to spend my entire junior year in Madrid, Spain, living with a local family, no less.

By “complicate,” I don’t mean to convey even a shred of negativity. It’s just that living in a local neighborhood most certainly comes with quirks and challenges when you are a foreigner. 

While my host parents, Isabel and Michel, welcomed me with open arms and a shockingly purple bedspread, other residents of Madrid’s Imperial neighborhood seemed to believe an alien had touched down on their block, rather than a girl from Santa Barbara. 

The Stare

While I had heard of the infamous “German stare”, the Spanish stare was one I was entirely unprepared for. 

These people not only like to make eye contact, but they have no interest in breaking it. They will even turn their head as you pass by and stare right into your heart until you are out of sight.

Now, some people who know me may be confused, thinking something along the lines of, “But, Avery, you love staring!” 

And it is true, I do. For me, staring has always been a game. With a single look, I often succeed in conveying my intended message to the recipient of my gaze.

In American culture, a stare can signify many things, from interest and attraction to disapproval and even disgust. As you are likely aware, it is culturally customary to avert your eyes when you realize someone is looking at you. 

Personally, I haven’t really ever subscribed to this, even though, because of comments from friends and family, I have come to realize my stare can sometimes be “shocking and/or alarming”. 

Since I (mostly) don’t intend this to happen, I see it as the unfortunate result of having an expressive face. Sometimes I like to theorize that I am missing the part of my brain that surely connects to my facial expressions, but that may be wishful thinking. 

Nevertheless, what I learned after arriving in Madrid is that I was no match for the Spanish stare. At first, the Spaniards’ looks felt extremely jarring, and for the first time, I felt I was perhaps getting a taste of my own medicine. 

The way these people look at you makes you wonder whether you have the biggest, most alarming bloodstain possible splashed across the front of your shirt, or whether you’re even wearing a shirt at all.

Assimilation? 

As an anthropology student, and what’s more, a Spanish one, I felt an immediate interest in immersing myself in this new culture, and even doing whatever I could to assimilate. 

To avoid the stares, I wondered how much I had to fit in.

What I learned not long after was that no amount of effort could be enough. No matter what facial expression I tried on, or what pair of jeans I wore in ninety-five degree weather, these people will continue to stare. 

I complained about this at dinner, much to Isabel and Michel’s amusement. In a classically motherly response, Isabel told me that these stares are because I am “muy guapa, y por eso la gente no sabe qué hacer”. 

Right!

Personally, I am more inclined to believe I simply don’t have “la cara española”. Much evidence supports this conclusion, most notably when my plane landed in Budapest a few weeks ago and the madrileños in front of me turned around to ask where they should go in the city. 

While I do have Hungarian blood, it tickled me to think they thought I was coming home instead of leaving it. 

Now comes the fun part. After waving the white flag on my assimilation game, I decided to try the opposite. 

This doesn’t mean I wanted to stick out, per se, but that I was no longer interested in holding back what comes naturally to me: staring daggers.

Assertion

I’ve learned you can beat the Spaniards at their game. You just have to be okay with being a little uncomfortable first. 

Here are a few tricks I have learned that have worked. 

First, prepare yourself mentally. After just a few days in Madrid, you’ll likely be able to tell who is about to beam lasers at you and who will barely glance your way. 

Second, just hold the stare. This is the hardest part. As mentioned, these people will not hesitate to turn their head to continue gawking, even if you are well beyond their normal line of sight. The important thing is that you turn your head too. 

Third, do the unexpected. This is where you can win. At this point, your opponent will be surprised you’ve lasted this long, and they won’t expect you to kick it up a notch. 

This is exactly why you need to. 

If you widen your eyes, they will look away. If you wink, they will look at you with mild horror and confusion, before quickly lowering their gaze. Don’t even get me started on a smile. 

Similarly, I find an eyebrow raise quite effective. This is something I do a lot. Sometimes it means something, sometimes it doesn’t, but it will always leave you guessing.

I really don’t do any of this to be mean or scare people. It is just true that moving to a foreign country can be very disorienting, and it can feel like eyes are on you wherever you go. 

As a young woman especially, I think it’s important to be able to stand your ground. Engaging in this weird eye dance, if you will, keeps me feeling in control of my life and my presence in Madrid. 

If you are abroad, want to go abroad, or maybe even want to experience this locally, I urge you to try it. With one exception. 

We all know that some people are crazy. Legitimately crazy. This is why it is essential that you don’t be dumb. Never take on anyone who looks threatening, nor any man who looks like he could hurt you. 

Sorry to be grim, but it does happen. Simply be conscientious of your situation. 

And with that, happy staring! 

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