Starting senior year has basically been a constant battle between “get me out of here” and “please slow down.” One minute, I am beyond ready to graduate, move on, and figure out what comes next. The next, someone casually says, “This is our last Friday of week two of fall quarter,” and suddenly I want everyone to stop talking.
I knew senior year would feel different, and I am well aware I am extremely sensitive and nostalgic, but I didn’t expect everything to get so sentimental so quickly. Things I have done hundreds of times over the past three years suddenly feel a little (a lot) more important now that they have a looming expiration date. Apparently, nothing makes you appreciate college quite like realizing you eventually have to leave it.
I’m So Lucky This is My Normal (Spoiled, I Know)
Living in Isla Vista has completely ruined my perception of what normal life looks like. Some of the moments I already know I’ll miss most aren’t even actual “traditions.” They are the completely random nights where everyone ends up in the living room at the same time. I can come home after the worst day ever and still find all my best friends sitting on the couch, with dinner and fresh cookies in the kitchen.
I am so lucky to have casual family (roommate) dinners, watch movies with a “phone pile” to guarantee everyone is actually watching, and I EVEN feel lucky to spend an entire Sunday super duper hungover because I just get to rot on the couch with my bffs while ordering food and discussing absolutely nothing important. I can’t say any of these things feel particularly significant while they are happening. That is probably why realizing they are temporary feels soooo weird.
There is something incredibly comforting about knowing that even if you have a terrible day, you can walk through your front door and find people who know basically everything about your life. After graduation, my friends won’t all magically move into houses three minutes apart. This is probably the part of college I am least prepared to give up.
Becoming Regulars (Go Us)
Going out has also started to feel weirdly nostalgic, something freshman-year me would have definitely laughed at. By now, we know the bouncers and bartenders at our favorite bars; they know us, and some even know our orders. My parents find this concerning, but I see it more as an accomplishment. There is something so funny about realizing that places that once felt new and intimidating have somehow become our places.
One of the most full-circle moments happened when the last person in our freshman-year friend group finally turned 21. For the first time, everyone from our original dorm group could actually go drink around the IV loop together. We met these people as freshmen in Santa Rosa, when none of us knew what the next four years would look like.
Now we are all 21, seniors, and somehow still doing life together. Meanwhile, Santa Rosa itself is literally gone — RIP — which feels a little dramatic and symbolic for a freshman dorm, but here we are. It was one of those days where I looked around and realized how much time had passed without any of us really noticing.
UCSB Propaganda Works
Another thing that always makes me appreciate UCSB again is having friends visit for the first time. Without fail, someone comes to visit and spends the entire weekend talking about how insane it is that we actually live here. When my guy friends visit Isla Vista, they love to say it feels like a simulation — more specifically, a GTA lobby (whatever that means). In a maybe messed-up way, it makes my heart flutter to hear how jealous people are of our awesome school. I just sit there like, yay, we win, we win, we win!!!!!
Obviously, I love hearing this because it confirms my deeply unbiased belief that we go to the best school on Earth. But it also forces me to look at UCSB through someone else’s eyes again. Things that have become completely normal to me suddenly feel way cooler than they feel day to day.
The same thing happens whenever I leave for a weekend. I can visit another school or go home and have the best time, but coming back to Santa Barbara immediately feels right. Driving back and seeing the ocean again always makes my doom turn into gratitude, going from, “Ugh, I have to go back to my real life at school,” to, “Oh yeah. I literally get to live here.”
It is easy to complain about where you live every day or the mundane routines that start to feel too comfortable. Then you leave for three days, and suddenly you are talking about UCSB like you are personally employed by the admissions office.
“Get Me Out of Here” vs. “Please Slow Down”
None of this means I am suddenly going to spend senior year crying at every sunset and saying I never want to graduate. There are absolutely days where I am over it. I am ready to stop planning my life around assignments, quarters, registration, and the constant question of what I am doing after graduation.
I am excited for whatever comes after UCSB, even though I currently have a very questionable idea of what exactly that is. I think part of growing up is being ready for your life to change. But senior year is teaching me that being ready for something new does not mean you cannot be sad about what you are leaving behind.
That has probably been the biggest surprise so far. I desperately want to move forward while simultaneously wanting someone to put this year on pause. Those feelings don’t actually contradict each other as much as I thought.
I’m Trying Not to Call Everything “The Last”
I do not want to spend my entire senior year turning every experience into some dramatic final moment. If I start saying, “This might be our last October 8th sunset together,” my friends have full permission to tell me to shut up. Thinking too much about things ending can make you miss them while they’re still happening.
Instead, I am trying to pay a little more attention. I want to appreciate the group dinners, the couch days, the spontaneous ocean trips, the nights out, and the walks to sunset without constantly thinking about how many are left. I want these things to still feel normal while I am lucky enough to have them.
Because one day, having the beach in my backyard, all my best friends a few blocks away, and a living room full of people I love will sound completely insane. Right now, though, it is just my life.
And maybe that is why starting senior year feels so bittersweet. For the first time, I am realizing that so many of the things I cannot imagine my life without are things I was never supposed to have forever.