Many of us have been there before; we feel like we’re barely staying afloat taking care of our own school work, relationships, jobs, etc. and then someone comes along, “Hey _______! Can you do me a favor?”
This happens all the time. And every time it does, it’s like there are two recurring voices in your head that are constantly at war: the one that tells you don’t be stupid, think of yourself first; you already have so much going on and the second that says there’s technically no real reason you shouldn’t be able to help this person out. What happens next is we turn into “yes girls.” The girls who always have it covered. The girls who always do all the work. The girls who everyone always relies on. But it never really seems to occur to anyone else that while you’re juggling your own responsibilities as well as taking care of those that belong to others, you’re beginning to drown.
I am here to tell you this, collegiettes: Don’t. Let. Yourself. Drown.
You have the power to say no. You have the right to put yourself first.
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I know. This is a task that’s way easier said than done. As women, we grow up conditioned to put the needs of others before our own, to go out of our way to accommodate to everyone else, even if it means sacrificing our own sanity. As students, we’re taught that every spare minute that we have needs to be productive. There’s always more you can be doing. There’s always more you should be doing. We’re told to put ourselves first, to not overwhelm ourselves with the concerns of others, but in practice are always made feel guilty for doing so.
And maybe you’ve tried, you really have put in some effort in attempting to put you first. But it’s almost as though the simple word “no” is impossible to say out loud on its own. “No” is only the fraction of a sentence that needs to be accompanied by a “sorry, it’s because [insert valid enough justification here].” If you can’t do something or simply don’t want to do something, you better have a damn good excuse for it. And it’s so ingrained in our systems that I often find it’s a lot more difficult for me to justify things to myself than it is to others. Yeah, I’m exhausted, but I technically do have the time to cover an extra shift. No, I really don’t have the energy to spend extra time helping this classmate on an assignment, but I don’t want to disappoint them. Essentially, if something isn’t physically stopping me from doing something, I’ll guilt myself into doing it, because technically I can.
But we need to stop with the justifications. What even dictates valid explanations? Why can’t we just say “no” for the sake of our sanity? Why can’t “no” on its own be enough?
To some, it may be difficult to connect using the word “no” to having self-compassion, to putting yourself first. But learning how to use “no” is the first step in you taking charge of yourself, of your happiness, of your life. You are choosing how much you can handle on your own terms.
But beginning to put yourself first can be difficult. Here’s my piece of advice: start small. No, I can’t take over your shift this afternoon. No, I’m sorry, I can’t meet up after class today. Cut yourself some slack. Help others, yes. Be a positive resource, fantastic. But do not neglect yourself (your mental health, your well-being, your sleep, your you time) just to make the lives’ of others easier. They can figure it out. You can’t always be the yes girl. And that is more than okay.