“The Guy Always Has To Like The Girl More”: How Sexism Shapes Relationship Power Dynamics

I used to think that relationships were simple: whoever cares less, wins. 

In my last relationship, I caught myself repeatedly sending the first texts, planning elaborate dates, and questioning why he seemed much happier to hang out with his friends than spend time with me. I liked him more. It was obvious. He had the power and he knew it.

When that relationship ended, I’d adopted the idea that loving someone too loudly made you pathetic. To be fair, I was 18 and convinced that my high school boyfriend (who kind of hated me) was the end-all, be-all. 

Years later, in a new relationship, I’ve noticed some pretty big differences. My boyfriend is the one that offers to pick me up from the airport. The one that sends an “I miss you” text after 24 hours of being apart — before I can even work up the courage to admit I feel the same. I’ve found myself asking myself — does he like me more than I like him?

And honestly, I don’t think so. He just says the things that I’ve taught myself to suppress. The words and actions that prove I care just as much. He’s louder with his affection. And I’ve never felt more secure and confident in a relationship. 

I’ve spent a long time wondering what the ideal power dynamic of a relationship is. Who should like who more? Is it even healthy to think that deeply into who has the most leverage when you’re dating? But the more I think about it, the more clear it becomes that it’s not about who likes who more. It’s deeper than that. It’s about how women are viewed systemically in our culture, and countering that narrative through male performances of affection. 

THe “She’s Obsessed with Him” Narrative

Women are stereotypically thought of as hysterical, overly emotional, and obsessive in relationships. Loving too hard, too fast, and too desperately. Children’s and teen’s books and movies portray girls gushing about their crushes and hunting down boyfriends, failing the Bechdel test nearly every time.

From Ariel in The Little Mermaid sacrificing her voice, her world, and her legs for a man she’s never even met to Bella Swan in Twilight falling into a zombie-like state when Edward leaves her, women are depicted as fulfilled solely by the attention of a man. 

Meanwhile, men get to be apathetic. Thought of as attractive and mysterious for merely acting disinterested. The girl who waits to text back is playing games. The guy who waits to text back is seductive. The double standard represents a system that criticizes female emotions while rewarding male detachment. 

So, like me in high school, some women allow themselves to care loudly. Loving visibly and sometimes embarrassingly at the risk of their partner not returning the favor. On the other hand, other women in relationships internalize this stereotype, pulling their affection back. Despite truly caring for their partner, they resist the temptation to show love for fear that it will give them less power. Either way, the girls never win. 

My Imbalance

My past relationship was a long 8 months of waiting to be chosen. I honestly don’t even think I actually liked him drastically more than he liked me, I’m just an affectionate girl. Every double text and hour-long train ride to his house that wasn’t reciprocated, fulfilled the expectation that women are naturally more invested in romantic relationships than men. 

give us emotional men

So, what’s the solution? Keep in mind that I’m only speaking from my own experience. Maybe California guys are just more my type than Chicago ones. But, because of a history of systemic sexism, women are granted less structural power in our society’s romantic relationships than men, due to lasting stereotypes and biases. In order to counter this power imbalance, men have to let their guards down and tap into their emotions. 

My boyfriend is outwardly affectionate in a way that’s refreshing and new for me. Either he didn’t get the memo that men are supposed to keep women slightly off-balance to maintain the upper hand, or he just doesn’t care. He races from the locker rooms after his baseball games to give me a kiss in front of his whole team. He drives me to class even though it takes less than 20 minutes to walk. He’s open with his affection in a way that equalizes our relationship. I don’t have to make myself smaller to compensate for a lack of expression. 

So no, it’s not that he has to like you more

The popular line — “the guy should like the girl more than she likes him” — isn’t a total myth in my experience. But, it’s not about who likes who more, it’s about countering societal expectations of women with male demonstrations of love. Since deep-rooted stereotypes of obsession and excessive emotion have held women down in our patriarchal society, men need to go beyond their own expectations in order to offset the power dynamic, making us equal. 

We don’t want a man who likes us more. We want a man who doesn’t act like he likes us less.

• dating
• love
• relationships
• sexism