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Rachel’s Blog: Can Men and Women Be Friends?

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Rachel Miller Student Contributor, University of California - Santa Barbara
This article is written by a student writer from the Her Campus at UCSB chapter and does not reflect the views of Her Campus.

After a recent video regarding the existence of opposite sex friendships went viral, it got me thinking–can men and women really be just friends? More specifically, can male and female UCSB college students just be friends? Independent filmmakers Jesse Budd and Patrick Romero visited Utah State’s campus in search for conclusive evidence and subsequently streamed their results on YouTube, receiving over 6 million views in just 6 days. After surveying a multitude of both men and women, the answers revealed, relatively incontrovertibly, that we apparently cannot be friends. 


As Gauchos, we uphold a certain stigma–that we are home to infinite and easy sex and partying. Such a reputed stigma has yet to disprove itself, making it more difficult for male and female Gauchos to cultivate sincere and genuine friendships. The combination of such perpetual partying and sleeping around creates a toxic environment for true opposite sex friendships here, tempting each relational partner to “test the waters” of their friendship after a couple of drinks. And, as history, romantic comedies, and the ever-trusting Cosmo has taught us, friends with benefits (FWB) never works well, nor does it end well. 


So do opposite sex friendships become extinct after we graduate from high school and enter our college years? I have found that the majority of successful opposite sex friendships derive from years and years of friendships–originating from playing in the sandbox as kids, or from the significant other’s friends–girls attain many guy friends through their boyfriends and vice versa. These friendships are successful because they both lack one very powerful and often destructive element–sexual tension. After hearing your childhood BFF’s mother recount innumerable embarrassing stories of your BFF peeing his pants in 4th grade P.E., throwing up on the airplane ride back from Hawaii in 8th grade, or crying yesterday while watching Allie and Noah being separated by their social differences in The Notebook, it is unlikely that you would ever find yourself attracted to him. In addition, sexual tension is not allowed in befriending your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s friend, permitting many real opposite sex friendships to form and thrive. 


Sexual tension– a concept rooted in our human nature as well as a fun and fascinating element in our interpersonal communicative lives. The positive aspect of sexual tension is that it keeps opposite sex friendships (that do not fall under the two categories previously stated) alive, acting as a catalyst to maintain continuous and consistent contact and communication. Simply, the male and female want to communicate because there are mutual benefits–the relational partners make each other feel good about themselves, and in the back of both of their minds is always the lingering thought, “I wonder if this could ever go anywhere…” and “Yeaaaah…we’re definitely going to hook up at some point.” However, the negative aspect of sexual tension, especially in Isla Vista, is just how tempting it is. Once that line has been crossed, there is no going back…ever. No matter how many times you tell yourself that nothing will change if you guys hook up just once, it will. The dynamic between the two of you will indubitably change–you will worry about facets of your communication that never concerned you pre-hook-up, such as how long you should wait to text him or her, if you should call or not, and censoring yourself when telling stories of your other recent hook-ups. 


I feel that as Gauchos, we tend to “test the waters” more frequently than most other college students, most likely decreasing the chances of making lasting opposite sex friendships. Nonetheless, I do not think that this is an entirely implausible task. These friendships are incredibly subjective and situational. I am sure that we all have made amazing guy/girl friends in our college years; yet, I am certain that we have also destroyed a friendship or two due to one drunken night when one of us is just too tired to walk back home and the other insists on spending the night because our bed can “totally fit two people comfortably.” 


In conclusion, I do not particularly agree with Budd and Romero’s findings at Utah State; although I can admit that they made some valid arguments and shed some new light on a popular and perpetual question. I think the solution to the formation and maintenance of opposite sex friendships, especially in Isla Vista, lies in the concept of boundaries. Never hook up, test the waters, or allow your sexual tension to build too high, and you are likely to have a true and lasting opposite sex friendship.  

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Rachel Miller

UCSB

Rachel is a senior at UC Santa Barbara and studies Communication and Global Peace and Security. Rachel is from a small, beautiful town in southern California called Palos Verdes. However, Palos Verdes is just one of the many places Rachel has lived. Rachel spent her childhood moving and traveling all over the world, living in places such as Indianapolis, Indiana; Santiago, Chile; Vienna, Austria; and Orlando, Florida. Rachel has found her heart and her home in California, choosing to spend her college years in sunny Santa Barbara. However, Rachel continued her wanderlust when she studied abroad in Barcelona, Spain in Fall 2012. At UCSB, Rachel is an immensely dedicated and involved member of her sorority Kappa Kappa Gamma, where she held the positions of Panhellenic Delegate, Inter-Greek Counselor, Rho Gam, and a member of the Nominating Slate. Best Buddies, a nonprofit organization dedicated to creating opportunities for one-to-one friendships, integrated employment, and leadership development for people with intellectual and developmental disabilities, is a passion of Rachel's, as she is their Social Media Coordinator as well as an active and proud member. As a member of the Lambda Pi Eta Communication Honors Society, Rachel is able to implement her prowess and affinity for communication and communication-related issues. When Rachel is not writing, participating in Kappa events, or volunteering, you can find her in the gym, on the soccer field, watching Modern Family, or cooking. Rachel's love for sports, food, and writing often times go hand-in-hand, as one may see in her weekly blogs. For the past two summers, Rachel has been freelance writing for the Los Angeles Times, and hopes to continue her career pursuit of journalism after she graduates. Rachel is elated to be a part of Her Campus's fabulous team and loves every moment of it!