To Anyone Who Gets Attached:
First and foremost, let me emphasize that you are not alone. I think all women have some degree of attachment. If I’m being totally honest (this is just between you and I after all, right?) I usually get a medium to high level of attachment, so I think it’s pretty safe to say that I know how it feels. There’s nothing wrong with us, we’re just extremely loving people who know what we want, when we want it. All we’re asking is to be loved back, but I fear unreciprocated love is a common theme when it comes to attachment. At the same time, it turns out that attachment is less about love and more about possession, according to Khenchen Thrangu, author of The Practice of Tranquility & Insight: A Guide To Tibetan Buddhist Meditation. We get attached to the greatness that was, and build up an idea of what could be. The whole thing is blinding.
The right person comes along just when you needed them most, at your loneliest point. They show you all of the attention and affection you needed so desperately in the moment. Suddenly your feelings start to spike as you begin inventing a whole new person. You start connecting songs you really like to them, you envision different things the two of you could talk about, and imagine things they’d probably say in response. You completely envision what it would be like if they were your S/O. None of it’s real, but you get attached to this idea of a person.
When things start to fizzle, and your little fling has naturally reached its endpoint, you can’t help but cling on. They don’t initiate things the way they used to, so now you’re the one starting all of the conversations and planning all hangouts. You start to semi-obsess over their social media. You know it’s unhealthy, but you can’t stop. You don’t have the strength to end things for good because you’re too attached to the situation with them. You’re used to them, it’s comfortable, you’re afraid of what it would be like without them. Even if you did break it off, they’d somehow come crawling back into your life for one last “hang out”, and you know just as well as I do that you’d get sucked right back in.
You should know that it is not impossible to break this attachment, even though it kinda feels that way sometimes.
First of all, recognize it for what it is: an attachment. It isn’t love, there’s a difference. Second, you need to imagine the person as they really are. Are they really that great? That good looking? That cool? That funny? Realize that it’s less of the actual person you’re attached to and more of the idea of that person. Third, understand that you aren’t being treated the way you deserve! Fourth, there’s a lot of other people out there, and yes, you are capable of liking someone else just as much. Fifth, it’s important to take some time away from this person you’re attached to, because the more time that passes, the less attached you will be. Sixth, you should really consider putting yourself out there. Just because you are on someone’s hook, doesn’t mean that you owe them your faithfulness. Although, I do get that when you’re really attached to someone, it can be kinda hard to date other people because you just aren’t feeling it with anyone else. This is precisely why the fifth step is so important. After taking some time away from the person, you will begin to open up to the idea of someone new, someone better! Seventh, (I know this is kinda dragging on but that’s how attachment feels!) have the strength to turn them down when they start hitting you up again. Once they realize that you’re drifting away, they typically start trying to get back in contact with you. They aren’t blind to your attachment, and they don’t really want to lose the girl who puts up with all their crap, the girl who gives them plenty of attention, the girl who would do anything for them. But remember, they aren’t going to treat you any better because they are aware of what you are willing to put up with. Everything will stay exactly the same as it has always been, so if you know what is good for you (not saying that I ever do) turn them down!
I know, I know. Easier said than done. If you can’t seem to break the attachment, don’t worry too much, because there will come a time when you are finally ready to move on. Either they’ll do something that makes you realize that you can’t keep going through the same heartache again and again, or someone else will come along to sweep you off your feet. If you’re really lucky, either they move away or you move away, and the two of you never need to see eachother again (except through that damn social media). Don’t worry, even though you feel so anxious now, everything will turn out fine in the end.
Your pretend love guru,
Lauren MacDonald
Image: the-conscious-mind.com