As a girl whose Ancestry.com DNA sample indicated is a whopping 5% Irish (and a lover of Paul Mescal), the holiday of St. Patrick’s Day is of utmost importance to me. So, as any good 5% Irishwoman does, I began to prepare for my day of celebration with some good old-fashioned research.
I closely studied ancient Irish texts, listened to The Cranberries on repeat, looked out onto the horizon at Deveraux Beach pretending I was standing on Irish cliffs looking over the English channel, you get the gist. Just when I was finally getting into the spirit of the season, I was faced with the question any good Irish person comes to terms with at one point or another — what is a leprechaun?
Sure, we all watched those Lucky Charms commercials growing up and maybe our 3rd-grade teacher engineered a Leprechaunic prank on that sacred day in March, but what is a leprechaun? Well folks, after additional, extensive research (closely studying Paul Mescal scenes in Normal People), I finally have the answer for you.
Irish folklore describes leprechauns as a type of male trickster fairy, elusive and sprightly, “often leading people on wild goose chases in search of their treasure.” Leprechauns, being fairies and all, are quite short and possess an overall aura of mischievousness. They are the worst kind of men — leading their prey on before ghosting them forever. In short, (pun very much intended), leprechauns can be seen as men who are below 5’8 — and are also jerks. Allow me to elaborate.
Tom Holland, Josh Hutcherson, Andrew Scott, Oscar Isaac.
An auspicious, motley crew. What could these charming, sexy, hot individuals have in common? Every single one of these men is 5’8 or shorter, one inch or more shorter than the average height for American men. However, stature is not the only thing these men have in common — the internet has deemed them “short kings.”
Urban Dictionary defines a short king as “A man who realizes that his lack of height has nothing to do with his perception of his own self-worth.” Short kings are charismatic, often funny as a result of learned overcompensation, and are bestowed the title of “short king” by a group of women — they hardly ever give it to themselves. Most importantly, they don’t feel emasculated because of their height.
Short kings are the direct foils of what we have determined to be leprechauns. They don’t seduce women into reaching for their gold before snatching it away. Their hearts are open and their elfin heads are clear. They use their meager height to its tallest advantage.
To further demonstrate this dichotomy I introduce a case study: Nick and Joe Jonas.
Nicholas Jonas, standing at an ultimately respectable 5 feet and 6 inches tall, can be described as a short king. Though I was a Joe girl growing up (he had me hooked in Camp Rock), I think we can all generally agree that Nick is and always has been the most attractive and likable Jonas. While this isn’t necessarily due to his height, shorter men, especially during the peak of “JoBro” fame, had to be funnier and smarter to compensate for their lack of height.
Nick’s life also replicates that of other short kings in that he is married to a hot, deceptively tall woman. That’s not to be reductive to Priyanka Chopra, his 5’5 wife who is constantly towering over him in her high heels, but more of a pat on the back for Nick. His height isn’t tied to his masculinity or his relationship, thus allowing him to date up (leagues and inches).
Though somewhat charming in his own right, 5’7 Joe Jonas has proven to be a leprechaun. In September of 2023, rumors began to spread about a possible split between Jonas and his gorgeous, hot, 5’9 wife Sophie Turner. The rumors turned nasty, painting Sophie as a “party animal” and Joe as the hero dad taking care of his kids.
Though differences in lifestyle were the main reason for the split, a source told Elle that “Sophie says Joe was too controlling… She also said Joe liked to flirt a little too much while out in public, but then he wouldn’t like it when she would get too close to her male friends.” This, friends, is a prime example of leprechaunic insecurity! Joe couldn’t handle Sophie Turner’s inchage!
Though these categories are wide, they are unable to encompass every short-ish man in the world. Not every guy is a leprechaun or a short king, sometimes he’s just a guy. Sometimes he’s just 5’9 and that’s okay.
So ladies, as we begin to celebrate the patron Saint of Ireland and are thrust into the trenches of Spring Quarter, approach short men with trepidation. Make sure they’re a short king before you fully commit—keep your standards high and your average height low.
