When I first left for college, I was nervous but excited because I felt like the time away from home will help me find my true self. I envisioned four years of great friends, life-changing lessons, and an understanding of self. While I met a great group of friends in my first month, I was not challenging myself to step out of my comfort zone. There was a time my friends and I went on a late-night trip to a sketchy restaurant to eat fried Oreos, but most of my time, I was in my room studying.
I kept putting off going out or having any fun because I wanted to earn good grades, and when I finally decided I was ready for parties and concerts, the pandemic happened. Within two days of finding out about the lockdown, I was back in my childhood home, more confused than ever about who I was. My family made jokes and comments about my personality change after going away for college, and I had to figure out what version of myself is true. At home, I was a daughter, sister, and aunt, and I did not know what else I was outside of those roles.
Three months at home became nine months, and all the free time gave me time to question my identity. Early in the pandemic, I started to organize my closet, and I found a few pieces of clothing that I purchased intending to wear when I was a different version of myself. I remember going to the stores and buying a cute top or dress and thinking this is what I want to dress like, but in a year or in an alternate timeline. That is when I noticed that I had collected items and ideas of a version of myself that I kept putting off for the right time. I wanted to be someone that ate three meals a day, exercised, and dressed comfortably but stylish.
The change in environment and responsibilities allowed me time to think about who I really am. During this time, I thought about what brought me joy and what did not. I paid attention to what made me happy and did more of it. I enjoyed feeling the sun on my face, so I took the time to stand in the sun and breathe in the fresh air. I liked how I look and felt wearing a certain type of shirt and looked for more color options for that shirt. I did not think about what others might think about my outfits or choices and allowed me to be me. I embraced everything I was scared of liking because of other people’s opinions. I sang and danced around to Taylor Swift music even though I knew friends of mine did not like her style of music.
I started living for myself, and it was pleasant. I always was interested in the way that writing, movies, and TV shows made me feel happy or sad, and decided to start writing myself. I wanted my impact to be one that caused emotional reactions. I wanted people to smile, laugh, or cry while they read my work. I remember different shows or movies I watched and felt like my life had changed or a great lesson was learned by spending time watching it.
Taking time to explore your interests, likes, and dislikes can help you during your identity crisis. By doing more of what you enjoy you will find a version of yourself that is the most authentic. An identity crisis can be scary, but after, you will feel more in tune with yourself.