It’s getting to be that time of year when our routines have gotten all too comfortable. Like clockwork, we trudge to our classes and begrudgingly open Canvas, all while watching our semester friends roam free in their summer shenanigans. This overall fatigue and burnout even extends to friendships.
Plans have turned from weekly highlights to weekly obligations, quick to be disposed of at the soonest opportunity. While I’d be hypocritical to say that I’ve never flaked on plans since starting college, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that the constant last-minute cancellations are getting old. As a self-proclaimed neurotic type A, putting you in my Google Calendar is my love language.
So, getting the “sorry I can’t make it” text five minutes before our scheduled plans always manages to put my day through a spin. I now have to mentally rearrange my schedule, one that I already planned specifically to spend time with said friend. However, the quarter system moves at a breakneck pace, with new opportunities and midterms arising every day, so can I really blame my friends for needing to flake every once in a while?
But, this can be a slippery slope. One second, you’re reassuring your friend that it’s ok that they can’t make coffee, and next thing you know, you don’t see them for the rest of the quarter.
As I near the end of my first year, one question that’s been on my mind recently is where to draw the line with flaky friends.
Is it really just the chaos of the quarter, or are chronic cancellers simply bad friends? When is the right time to step away from flaky friends?
As I take on these next three years of college, one of the things that I value the most, aside from getting my degree, is lifelong friendships that I know I can count on. So, after a year of truly getting to know the strangers that I’ve been learning and living with, I’ve compiled a list of signs for when to drop your flaky friend.
1. When canceling plans is a pattern
As the old saying goes, “Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me.” If your flaky friend cancels on you once, twice, or maybe even three times, it could very well be an accident. But if they are last-minute canceling every hangout, it’s no accident; it’s a deliberate choice to disrespect your time and your commitment to the friendship. Don’t let the “shame be on you” by putting your all into a one-sided friendship.
2. When No Accountability is taken
If my experiences this year have taught me anything, it’s that chronic cancellers will always have an excuse. Unfortunately, having a Type B personality or being a Sagittarius doesn’t excuse you from being a bad friend. A great friendship is built upon compromise, and if your “friend” isn’t willing to sacrifice parts of their habits or routines, then are they really worth spending time with?
Of course, there’s no need to attack someone for having a different routine from you; however, if they aren’t willing to find an overlap, then maybe reconsider the importance of this friendship within your life.
3. If the friendship is one-sided
We’ve all had that friend who expects you to drop all of your responsibilities at the drop of a hat, but will rarely return the favor. But whether you’re fighting for your life during midterms season or struggling to make it home from a night out, you need friends who will support you every step of the way.
Something that I have observed among my flaky friends is that they view friendships as transactional, with every favor being weighed against how much it’s going to cost them. If you don’t have unconditional support, can you really trust your “friend”?
4. They always leave you hanging
Sometimes, the issue isn’t their ability to make plans, but rather their ability to stay with you. I’ve found this to be a particular problem with my more “boy crazy” friends, but it can apply to anyone.
To put it in simple terms: ditching you for a guy or another friend isn’t good friend behavior. One of the most important parts of friendship is quality time; it’s what makes an acquaintance into a friend. A true friend will never treat you like a sloppy second.
One of the most important things college has taught me is how to let go of a friendship in a mature manner. With the exception of two rather explosive friendship breakups in middle school and high school, I had never silently left a friendship in which I felt disrespected. But now is the time to start building a more intentional circle of friends. If your friend can’t make your Cajè date now, will they be able to make your reunion lunch 20 years down the line?
As we approach an increasingly chaotic world and job market, sometimes your friends are all you have. So use this as your sign to let your relationship with a flaky friend fade the same way they always used to fade your hangouts.