I’ve always wanted an internet friendship ever since I read the manga, “I am Here!” by Ema Tōyama (highly recommend) in middle school. The idea of no one being able to judge you by the way you dressed or looked appealed to me because I wasn’t confident with my appearance. Plus, it seemed like someone always had your back no matter what happened in real life.Image via chibird
It all started during Junior year when I decided to make a fan account on Instagram for a YouTuber I was obsessed with. I was ecstatic to find an internet friend on that account because I finally had someone I could fangirl with. We clicked right away especially when we found out we were the same age and even lived in the same state. Eventually she got me into the K-Pop fandom and introduced me to BTS. I was so happy to truly feel like I had a place in the world where I belonged.
We would message each other every day and sometimes even stay up until 3 A.M. talking. I was constantly checking my phone wherever I was. I remember being in Chinese class messaging her on my phone instead of paying attention. It was a lot of fun but as this went on, my grades were dropping and I wasn’t talking to my IRL friends as much.
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Several signs indicated that maybe we weren’t meant to be friends.
There were days when she would be in a bad mood and take a short break from Instagram. I would always try to comfort her, but as this happened more frequently I found myself in a bad mood as well. At the time, I brushed it off and told myself that it was normal to be in a bad mood because a close friend was upset. Now I realize that even though she never blamed me for her bad moods, I ended up blaming myself and feeling it was my responsibility to make her feel better.
There were also many moments when I wouldn’t defend myself or even tell her my true opinion because I was scared she wouldn’t want to be my friend anymore. I brushed “little” things off, said sorry for things I didn’t need to apologize for, and ran away when I would do something to upset her or when she confronted me.
Image via chibird
Despite all the signs that indicated our friendship was toxic, I didn’t confide in anyone about how I felt. It didn’t seem right to talk badly about her because I knew I deserved better, but I didn’t want someone telling me I didn’t need a friend like her. When things got really bad, I finally succumbed and told my best friend about everything. I even apologized to her because I truly felt I was in the wrong. It was only when my best friend told me I had done nothing wrong, that I realized I had let myself get taken advantage of.
In the end, we mutually agreed that our friendship was toxic and it would be better to not talk anymore. I decided to take a long break from Instagram.
Two days after we decided to not be friends anymore, BTS came out with their “love yourself” series. This was when I knew that everything would be okay. I took it as a sign that I needed to start loving myself more and being more grateful for the friends I already had.
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Even though things didn’t work out, I know that we were both in the wrong. I never blamed her for anything that happened because, despite the many hurtful things she said about me, I had ultimately betrayed myself by never defending myself and constantly running away.
It definitely took a few weeks, or rather, a few months to recover from losing someone I considered one of my closest friends. But I became even closer to the friends I already had by telling them what had happened. I became more vulnerable in front of my friends because I wanted to be more trusting. I also started to love myself a lot more because I realized that no matter what happens, at the end of the day you are all you have.
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My first internet friend didn’t work out quite the way I wanted it to, but I haven’t given up in making internet friends. This experience helped me find some of my true friends and I’m glad that I was able to come out stronger from it.